I'm so depressed. . .

I don't know if it's the sh*tty weather, or lack of exercise, or lack of good food or school pressure, lack of sleep, or bad grades, or just hormonal imbalances or what, but I feel so CRAP!

Such a loser. . . I hate the world, everything, can't focus. . . my god. So what if I don't get an HKU 3.5? It's not the end of my world. So what if I get rejected by all the IBs? It's not like I don't have another chance. So what if I hate HK, again. . . .

----

There's nothing to say, I need to be able to handle this. It's no big deal. This is ridiculous. I should not react by refusal to face the work ahead of me or dream about escaping to Russia, and learning Russian. With cute geeky Russian guys with think accents. . . I'm going jogging.

Build a life, not a resume.

Have finally understood it. Advice, really, just steers you from making mistakes. Doesn't give you direction, purpose.

We all grow, and be changed by the environment around us. Nothing is forever.

See what you can. Do what you want to do.

Pursue it. Live it.

Let Go.

Heard about a book yesterday called The Overachievers: The Secret Lives of Driven Kids. Got totally into it this morning. I have a lot in common with these kids. Even though NZ isn't an ultracompetitive atmosphere. I guess parents, myself, SCONZ, RI was. And I have figured out why I choose IBanking those years ago. Benchmarking. i.e. returns. Easily benchmarked results that I can further fight for.

If I think back, I gave up so much for those serious of numbers and letters that I now attach to the end of my CV. I stopped playing the violin. I stopped almost all sport (table tennis, but that was just a bunch of us bumming around). I stopped watching all my trashy TV and reading my trashy fiction. I guess it was not all in vain. I can now more or less get through 400 pages in a morning. And boast that I lived through hell (not as much as the kids on the book though, I had some degree of free time), and survived to tell the tale.

Now thinking back, I always suppressed my feelings. I thought that stress was a state of mind, and that, as long as I didn't acknowledge it in my mind, it obviously didn't exist. It all makes sense now. My depressed frame of mine, thinning hair, hormone imbalances, acne, binge eating, chest constrictions (yea, scary). . . All this time I thought I was handled things so well. Being so tough. But actually, I was dying inside. Amazing. And this coming from someone who promised never to lie to herself. And also, never to have any regrets. All of a sudden, I realised that all I've been doing is deceiving myself. And now regret a lot of the opportunities that I did not take advantage of. So many things that I was good and enjoyed other than studying. But gave up because spending time on it might adversely affect my grades. I thought, that, I would regret it if I didn't manage to do the best I could on every exam. Why did it not occur to me that exams were not the most important thing in life? Oh yea. I thought that those people were unambitious losers that couldn't handle the heat. So consoled themselves with mundane things such as having a life.

So, in light of this epiphany, what does this bode for new, enlightened me? Follow my dreams. Remind myself why I choose this field. Because I was in love with the idea that human behaviour might, should methods be advanced enough, be modeled and predicted with maths. Like Isaac Asimov's Foundation. Psychohistory. Haha, so all this goes back to a primary school teacher who introduced me to the author, and a tastely stocked intermediate school library. I was looking for one of the robot series, but found Foundation instead. Fate and circumstance.

I miss math. Been looking at my roommate's homework for Uncertainty, and it's just an advanced micro course. Didn't know how to solve it though. Way too out of touch.

Only problem is, how am I going to get rich out of this? Follow your dreams and the money will come? Perhaps. Indeed. But it's hard to see where a microeconomist could possibly work. I mean, people don't exactly comission microeconomic reports very often. It's a part of information asymmetry. One cannot gather enough information to make the analysis, well, correct, although that is improving. But that doesn't mean I should give up! Macroeconomists, on the other hand, are different. They can put out quarterly, even monthly reports with the reporting of macro indicators by various statistical agencies. Then they can adjust them. And do a SECOND, perhaps THIRD analysis. Enough to keep one busy till the next month. Or quarter. Actually, market microstructure is very interesting. It meshes quantitative and qualitative aspects of finance and micro. It's the assignment that I'm procrasting over now lol. Maybe I'm tough enough to become a quant. Maybe my unexpected amazing high mark on derivatives might be a sign that I might be good at this. It's better do get into market design than S & T though. From a self-fulfilment point of view.

I guess, come what may. Not that I have any kind of choice in this market. Am wondering if I should make an effort for consulting. Even though I know I'm a bad fit. And am bad at lying about it.

Lack of soul.

Just spent most of today reading, re-reading my resume and CL. I cannot believe how long this kind of thing takes. For two sheets of paper!

It's remoulding yourself. Rewriting history. Take things you have done and change them. All this makes me think. Is anything we do really worth it?

Valentine's Day?

Just woke up from napping in the medical library. I'm really quite hopeless. Studying is definitely not my strength, Think of how long I have spent in a similar situation, sleeping, reading, sleeping, think about random stuff, read, do problems. I'm so sick of this.

Went to a Valentine's Day party last night. Horrible. I'm not going out anymore. I'm not used to the drinking and the hedonism anymore. And I should have had the guts to leave early. Why didn't I? Why did I insist that I stayed there until some of the people that I knew left for me to then leave? Isn't it so, weak and dependent of me? I feel bad.

The whole point of going to this thing was to meet more people from the new exchange crowd. I did meet some, but furthermore, the experience gave me a reflection of what I was and wasn't.

Been missing NZ lately. opportunities there that I miss by being here. The open spaces. The lack of horribly distinct racial/wealth class.

As a "foreigner", you become detached from the society. Made me realise that there is nothing that we have to or don't have to do. Like this studying for example.

My father is just as controlling as ever. Wants me to stay in during reading week and study as opposed to travel. You can guess where I want to tell him to put that idea. This makes things even more depressing. I need to find a way to move out when I get back. Job, money. Sacrifices. More arguments. All my life, all I've really wanted is to get away from my father's side of the family. To a place where I had freedom. Where noone made it their business to control me. I guess Hong Kong has provided that. For an all-too-brief period of time.

This end of March, I have to go back and bury my grandfather. About time. It's only been two years since the old man left. Deep dread. I don't understand a word they say. I don't have language talents. I've heard it, mostly in argument, continuously ever since I was small, and still don't understand a word. More blessing than curse I think. I just have to bring my laptop, or more importantly iPod Charger, and just make sure my mind is somewhere else while my body is there. Some things in life we can't change.

I think, I have fully accepted that I will never be fully assimilated into any society. Maybe the expat one, but those people are mostly more screwed up than I am, so doesn't count. That sounds mad emo, but do not be alarmed, it is not. Back in school, I would do everything I can to match my peers. Even though I could only imagine what it was that they were up to in weekends. Going to beach houses, skiing, go-carting. My parents thought those things were a waste of time and money and distracted me from what I was meant to do. Study. Lost childhood?

I hated creative writing. Why? Because, I was always afraid the my internal censor would slip and I would write something that was not socially acceptable in the western world in the course of raising your child.

My childhood was not sunny to say the least. But, like everything, there were beacons of light. Hope flourishes everywhere I guess. I used to blame this on people or circumstance. But now, I just think, why? We can't really control who we are, and circumstances are always beyond our control. Life is too short for regrets anyway. My only regret is that I remember so little of my happy days in Nanjing. Or else my memories are clouded by my subsequent experiences.

I guess, as a migrant, I'm a failure. I couldn't adapt. I thought too much. I'm not happy with just food, water, shelter and work. I need to feel like I belong. Is that the reason why I'm so competitive? To gain recognition in the eyes of society? I think so. And have I be recognised? I don't think anyone cares. Including myself.

What can I say? Apart from being boring, I'm also bored.

If you have kids, let them do what they want. Or else they might turn out like me.

I'm boring. . . .

I have come to realise, that, I am damned boring!

I mean, what on earth do I talk about? Me. My worries. My future. My family. My feelings. My grades. Do I simply have no other topics??? Nothing in life that interests me besides myself and what I like?

Would someone else reading this blog be interested at ALL? I know I wouldn't be. I would think that I'm a self-absorbed, self-assured, oblivious little thing that needs a dose of humility.

From now on, I am going to work on making myself more interesting. Becoming a more well-rounded individual. Do more than just worry about grades. Wean myself off that kind of elation when I get good grades/beat someone, and conversely, that sinking feeling when I think I've underperformed. Or could have worked harder.

I need to grow up.

So, what would grown-up, interesting, me talk about?

Today began with Market Microstructures, a course that examines the trading mechanisms behind exchanges in the major markets around the world, and, I believe, how those mechanisms can be exploited. You see, first thing we learn in economics is the supply and demand diagram. When supply matches demand, trade takes place at the stated price and quantity. That's in econ theory land, or maybe in Chicago, but in practise, it is a lot more complicated. For example, sure, we know the price, but who gets how many at that price? What if you run out at that price? Then do I have to pay more? The early bird gets the worm in an ideal world, but is there anyway I can jump the queue? How do I know how much I should pay? There a lots of reasons why the suppliers can't find the demanders.

Thus, that is where the bankers come in. Intermediating. Connecting the suppliers with the demanders. But, it's a dog eat dog world out there, and while they take advantage of their "customers", there are those that seek to take advantage of them. Add the regulators in (and like all regulators, they mostly just meddle), it's a full circus. Plus extras. It is, in fact, what a lot of secretive hedge funds do. They game the system. And, as I have started to learn, there is much to play around with.

For example, today, the major thing that I got from the lecture was order-precedence rules. Usually, you go by price (lowest sell (ask), highest buy (bid)), then timing. But in the NYSE, whenever a full order is matched, e.g. 100 shares to sell with 100 shares to buy, all subsequent orders at the same price are then automatically set at the same precedence. So, in theory, if a trader can see the Books, he/she can trade to clear the book exactly, then submit lots of orders of that share at the former price, and get almost instant execution as soon as the next sell/buy order comes along. This, is of course, only possible if you have very fast information. So is thus limited to institutions who have paid lots of money to have instant info from the exchange, or, the floor brokers, or the "crowd" on the NYSE itself. The entire system is set up, in essence to game the small investor, for the favoured few. I guess, you could say that that is life. The strong prey on the weak.

This course, there is a writing assignment, and I have, out of pure luck, paired up with a Phd student majoring in Electricity Supply. (I think that's what it is in English). I have a lot to learn from him. It's crazy how efficient he is. Today, he passed me a 19 page document of just about all the media reports on the HKeX's (Hong Kong Exchange) new closing procedure, initiated May 30, 2008, and the critisms levied at it. And here I am, the little third year. Done nothing. (Insert sinking feeling here). He thinks my four courses are pretty light. Compared to him, I reckon it must be pretty easy. Well, just have to work harder.

Now, next class is Financial Statement Analysis, in return for four day weekends, I have a full day of lectures on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's worth it.

This class is taught by the same lecturer as the previous one. And he's living proof, that good looks is not the most important thing in a character because, this guy, is very good looking. In the traditional sense, but, unattractive. He's just so damned cold! Those piercing eyes, lack of smiles, no jokes, and somewhat arrogant and condescending manner. . . In the old days, he would be a strict schoolmaster with a timid, simple wife. I guess modern women want more. He keeps talking about the "dating market" as an example of information asymmetry. In doing so, he confirms and condemns himself to singlehood. Now, that is efficient. =)

Now this class, FSA, is a stark contrast to the class before. In that class, I'm interested, challenged and attentive. In FSA, I'm bored and feel like a friendless loser. You see, we were asked to form a group of 6 for our presentation assignment. And I have kinda missed the boat. It's a large lecture, so, noone tends to talk to each other unless they already know each other. In fact, we don't talk to each other in MM either, even though there is this girl in my class, also in FSA, that, had I had the guts to talk to her, and somehow worm myself into her group, I can confidently say that I did not need to worry about FSA presentation marks this semester. However, my networking skills are just not that good. . . well, I missed optimal timing. Again, timing is crucial. I have so much to say about timing. More on that later. Anyway, to cut long story short, I asked this girl that was sitting by herself next to me, and she looked at me like I was some kind of insane asylum escapee, and said "Yes." like it was obvious, and I should know that. Well, she could have rejected me nicely. With a smile. Wouldn't have taken her much of an effort, but it would have meant a lot to me. Now I know how guys feel when they are rejected by some girl. I vow to be as nice as possible next time I reject someone. If I ever do. Maybe that is why guys do better. They are forced, by nature (lack of wombs) to take rejection. For the future of their genetics. If I was a guy I'd do the same thing.

----
Just got handed a condom and a flyer for Moulin Rouge Valentine's Day Party. Haven't been out once today. Somehow, whenever I think of dressing up prettily, getting smash drunk and come back looking like it doesn't appeal anymore. I want to remain me. Or get drunk with friends that I care about. Actually, I don't see the point. I always remember everything that happens. And can control myself. Mostly.
----

Anyway, Econ History, is well, Econ History, same old, same old. (Old, hah). I felt more in touch with my Chineseness for a while. Now I think I'm losing my non-Chineseness. Not sure I can go as crazy anymore. Not a bad thing.

Corporate Finance, however, was interesting. We analysed a case of a company called UST, manufacturers of moist, smokeless tobacco, and they were considering a leveraged share buy back. We are supposed to give out opinions about this. One group was choosen to do a presentation on it. Now, this group, consisted of one HK local, and two Australians, plus Annoying Guy. Annoying guy, is that boy in school who asked questions about everything the teacher said, and self-assuredly challenged what the teacher said, and always tried to go beyond what was taught in class, but missed the mark, and the point. I'm not sure why he does that. He should try to be more correct. Or talk less. Now, I haven't met anyone like the annoying guy for a long time. And you all know I'm a terrible listener, and frankly, I have no idea what he says 85-95% of the time. He talks too fast. And in circles. Never stakes out a position. And uses far too many buzz words. But for a while there, because I didn't do the numbers. He totally blindsided me. Another sinking feeling. Next assignment, I'm going to volunteer to do the numbers. I had no idea how dependent I was on numbers.

On a brighter note, UBS has just announced the biggest corporate losses in Swiss history, of SFr8.10billion. For last quarter. And that is after a SFr1.73bn tax benefit and a reclassification of assets that allowed the bank to avoid recognising a further trading loss of about SFr3bn. Total losses for 2008: SFr 20 bil. Another 2,000 job cuts in IBD announced. I need to be less focussed on IB.

Case in point: I refuse to give my life up for a job. It's not even a dream. What is there to dream about? The 100hr work week? The 4 hr per day of sleep? There isn't any time to dream!!! I don't want to earn millions, but be 40, divorced, childless, and have nothing outside of deal-making or trading. Getting hit on by young, lazy little things because they want to spend and not pay for it.

So, instead of thinking, "I want to be an I-Banker", I should go out and achieve things that I can be proud of. Looking at my CV, there are very few things that I'm proud of. Or in fact, did because I actually wanted to do. Now, that's going to change. New plan of action.

Trapped.

Went to a firm visit at a insurance company today. Went well I guess. One of the Directors invited me to apply and discussed the brillant future of the Mainland Chinese insurance industry development with me. Charted Financial Planner was what he was pushing. Even private wealth has their own certification now.

But, looking at those people in cubicles, talking on phones, tapping on their keyboards. Trapped. I don't want to live my life in a cubicle. Corner office. Looking at taxes and financial statements, investments, different products. What a waste of life! It's like, seeing your life shrinking into a small point. A small cubicle as a matter of fact. Salespeople sell. Actuaries calculate. IT solve computer glitches, accountants do their thing. They come to work. Do a little, joke a little. Discuss work, life, children, school, grades. Go home, family life, sleep. Then go back to work. It's the 9 to 5. Pay is not bad, I can imagine. Stable. Enough to afford a good home, food. With occasional splurges. It's what my parents have. More or less.

What then, do I want? If I can't be happy living a normal life? I should be grateful that I even have the chance to live a normal life. Much less be repulsed by it. Hmmm. . . start my own business. Work up enough cash, and then start acquiring other companies. It's how empires are built right? That's interesting. Not cubicle.

Been reading Marcus Aurelius' Meditations. As well as Art of War. Both good. Meditations, is, not suprisingly one of those books that gets you to think about yourself. Whle AoW is all about strategy, and how to dominate others, while keeping them in good enough shape to then govern, and for them to allow themselves to be governed over, by you, the invader. I can see why businesspeople like it so much. And politicians like Meditations. After all, isn't politics just about taking backstabbing, and still keep your character pure enough so that you may seem like a benevolent leader?

My nationality already excludes me as a politican in any country. Best I can ever hope for is a go-between, and a not fully trusted by either side one at that. Fate.

Talk, talk, talk.

I'm suffering from writer's block. Actually, it's more like a language block. It seems that as soon as my Chinese improves a little, and I think that I can speak fluently, my English then regresses, and I speak like an uneducated 12 year old. And then, as soon as my English reverts back to its flourishing self. . . . . Everything is hard.

Ten years.

It occurs to me, that, if I am serious about coming back to China, I need to learn Chinese. And not just learn, LEARN. Sigh. I'm setting myself a goal of 10 words per day. It's tough, but I need to be able to do it. . . . then assuming that I am able to fully stick to it, and, I actually remember, then, assuming that I already know 3,000 or so, in a year's time, I'll know enough to be considered literate. Add another year for all this to sink in, and by the time I graduate(end 2010), I should be fluent in Chinese. Is this merely wishful thinking? Hopefully not. I shall do my best. I mean, I'm smart right? I'm starting to think that that counts for less and less.

Oh, and the title? It takes 10 years for one to be a master at anything. How many do I have? around 4? 5? I mean, I would say that all my English skills I had at the age of 16 or 17. Thanks to Eng Lit. 10 years after I arrived in NZ. That is mad depressing. Waiting for my Chinese skills to mature cannot possibly take that long. I would say a lot of my education was wasted. So, 6 years? Time will tell I guess.

Am feeling more and more detached from my fellow PM mates. Don't care about going out clubbing anymore. Or fooding etc. Just want to travel the places I haven't been, read the stuff I've been assigned, and more if I have time, apply for interns etc. There isn't all that much time really. And I feel I should make the most of it instead of wasting it away. I think I've been doing OK at that so far.

Back! With trepidation.

At the airport, I bought a copy of Marcus Aurelius' Meditations. It's in both Chinese and English, so I can practise off it by reading one chapter and then the same chapter again. Perfect, since it's one of those books that one can always re-read and gain a deeper understanding. Apparently, 温家宝 has it next to his bedside table and has read it many times. Kind of like the Bible. I finally see why people swear by the Bible. It's nice to have something that one can just believe, without questioning, without skepticism, without looking for holes in the argument, as one must do with everything else, now that one is all grown up, and being like a naive young child is no longer acceptable. This of course, contradicts with my previous post, but I have not made up my mind fully. Thus, I am looking for guidance from an ancient roman emperor. Who I envision in the Hollywood version, as the benevolent one that freed Russel Crowe. :-)

Hong Kong is definitely different from the mainland. It is the land where my weekly food fees can send a mainland child to school for a month. A good school at that. Where I think nothing of paying 65HKD for a taxi fare that isn't even that far. And justify it to myself by converting to NZD, not the 10 meals or so that could have bought me across the border. All because of currency and capital flow controls for the good of the export economy, yes, but, it still feels just as unfair. I'm filled with goods guilt. I have sooooo much stuff. Ok, I've spent a lot of money, but not that much. It's mostly stuff I had sent over. Mostly.

I really want to shut myself out of this place and escape to other places when I have the chance. Pray that I get a good timetable.

Also, where are all the Asians in this place? Just when I have gotten used to Chinese culture, I seem surrounded by Europeans. My roommate seems to be a European too. But I have no idea. Mixed pictures.

人有三个要忘。

忘记年龄，忘记不愉的事，忘记伤痛。（可是最后的应该是对于感情的伤痛吧，有病该治。）在理发厅里听到的八卦理论。:-)

有的时候生活的噪音真的蛮烦的。可是还是要处理。

今天天气真好，清明，宽阔的蓝天。晚霞也很美。

买了一本《中国国家地理》。照片上那些遥远的景色，就像我小时候想象中的。好想去哦！可是需要更一些靠得住的人一起去。那些人在哪儿？找他们可难呢。

快看完Black Swan。给我启发。还是继续读下去。看点数学。我学数学的时候，心里总是有一个独特的安定感。从解出一难题取得一个幼稚的乐趣。不必在乎国家大事，自然的秘密什么。这是不是为什么很多孤独症的孩子喜爱数学？

还是躲在这个社会的避风港吧。忘记时间的流逝，忘记世上烦恼和伤痛。不要太快长大，在当几年小孩吧。

Finally Awoken.

I have realised that I am being very silly. Life is a constant struggle, and we must live through it. I'm still young, and I live in a very different era to my parents. They were made to believe that as long as they did whatever the country told them to, they would be provided for for the rest of their years. That is only in utopia, although my grandparents are living that life. In a way it is a kind of realisation of the goal of communism. To the select few, who dared to believe in the dream when it looked unachieveable. The early bird gets the worm. And for the first time, I have managed to awaken of my own violition before 10am. It means I have caught up on my sleep. It has only taken . . . gosh, who knows. I don't remember much of the between time in Ningbo.

Ok, just realised that today, not tomorrow is my last day in Nanjing before I come back 2 weeks later. :-) More significantly, RBS application is due tomorrow, and I have no cover letter. Back to work.

Damn I have a lot of free time.

This just out, ranking of top 200 jobs. Mathematician comes out top, and they earn decently.
http://www.careercast.com/jobs/content/JobsRated_10BestJobs

Am going into a conjoint degree when I get back for sure. Banking is good, but I can't be a banker for life. I like sleeping too much. I think I can take two years. And make a good job of it. Then sleep for a month, hopefully not slip into a coma or die, and then move into something else.

Actually, I think this is the reason why I'm so eager to throw away my future private life for a rewarding career. It's the area where my parents have traded away, for a good private life. Was it worth it? I would have no idea. Of course, I could never bring myself to live like that. Now.

I probably can't come back to Asia right now. Pay too low. Too much competition. Too corrupt. Too little chance of advancement. I need to be senior enough to be paid decently and afford a good standard of living if I were to come back here. Root finding is over.

What I need to do, is to find some good internship experience, and conditions permitting, work for 2 years or so, then go back and get a Masters (not MBA, too BS), and perhaps PhD at some prestigious institution of learning, then hopefully that will allow me to climb further. Or into HF. Plus, Chinese people look up to those, so management positions will probably open up too.

Swashbuckling entrepreneurship is not for this life. I'm too rich (ironically). I have too much to lose. I can't risk my family like that. :-( Again, fate and circumstance.

"The bag is the lifestyle"

This just occurred to me. In big cities, there is no space nor time for hobbies, so one pursues money and shopping. Thus, the obsession with designer handbags in HK. There is nothing else. Yacht, sport car, town car, holiday car, small plane is totally out of reach, so it becomes all about the bag.

Is that a sad thing? Bags are safer than those other forms of entertainment. We are just apes after all.


Really want to fly a kite all of a sudden. With someone. . . . :(

Fate vs. Intent

I was going to do a post on what Chinese people want from the billboard advertising that I have taken all over the place. Satire. Then I realised, hey, I have all these things. Just not in China.

Day after day I sit here bitching about my life. Yesterday, upon conversing with a childhood friend that had basically the same fate as me since childhood, I realised that a lot of it is my own fault. He is a little older, just graduated in Electrical Engineering with honours, has a girlfriend that he's been with since high school and has just started work. At his dad's old place sure, but it pays alright correct?

So, the question is, what, am I doing here? Root finding? Am I serious about coming back? I thought I was. It makes sense no? I mean, if the world is globalising, then it is only a matter of time before the Indians and Chinese take over with their more concientious approach to work, the increased competition etc etc. The so-called "Asian Tigers" are already like that. Except not strong enough to really open trade barriers, so that their comparative advantage (human resource) can be really exploited. I just want to be well positioned when that happens. And plus, I have a desperation to fit in. Maybe he (childhood friend) can be happy being an observer in society, knowing that he can't really fit in, but trying to be happy with compassion and understanding, but it's not enough for me! I want to be understood! Not just looked upon as some kind of novelty that cares too much about politics and economics.

Went to Chiang Kai-Shek (蒋介石）old home of 溪口 (XiKou) today. So now I have seen his entire life history. Accidently. Ancestral home - career capital (dear 南京) - end of his life 台北. Really, really seriously, painfully regret sleeping in now. Wish I had seen his dead body. Aw. . . . . . :'( Now, I think a lot of opportunities has slipped past me like this. Another reason why I shouldn't bitch. His entire life was one of selfish pursuit of his own advancement. Quite like the one I had planned to lead before a bunch of things that were thrown my way made me confused. Is that such a bad life to lead? I mean, most people that are famous led lives like this. The philosophical ones, the ones that advised, had their heads chopped off when they got too smart for their own good.

Hm, he loved, lost, hated, sacrificed, was betrayed, was exiled. It was a good life. Plus I don't care about truth anymore. There is no truth in this world. There is no certainty. Not about the future, present, and definitely not the past.

I think Black Swan is screwing me over. At least it's not real philosophy.

Ok, revised life goal: I shall go on pursuing the good life in China, where I feel like I actually fit in. If I can't, I'll go back to the western world, become that asian sweet-faced cutt-throat bitch, hang around in NZ or Aus waiting for my change to get to US or UK, looking for ways to worm myself into b-school with sponsorship, then hop around until I kinda find a job (hopefully back in China) that is not too boring, well paid and looks like it's fairly stable.

Unfortunately, all this continent hopping kills my chances of a real relationship. Ok, this is going to be my next source of denial. Look for something real when I will probably have to settle for something fake.

Sigh. Future.

As much as one does not want to think about it, it keeps hitting one in the face doesn't it? I don't want to do grad school, but then, working life is horrible. But then, as I am newly reunited with Candide, without trials and tribulations, without struggles and overcoming them, without setting ourselves goals and falling flat in our attempts to reach them, life is not life but a mere illusion.

Now, that sounds a lot better than my usual common prose doesn't it? It's pointless though, I could have said the same in a lot less words but it would sound a lot less nice. Maybe I am suited for banking.

Sigh. I wanted, when I was younger, to conquer the world. Why? Because it sounded interesting. And a lot better sounding than the rest. I'm selfish, but am working on being less selfish.

Ok, tired of thinking about my future, I'll see how far I can go, and go to grad school if it's necessary. I choose a vocational degree with an equally vocational path. I think it is the right thing given my stupid personality. Plus, economics research may be futile due to politics, but, it has effects long after one is dead right? Look at Milton Friedman (he may have been the root of this financial mess, deregulation, the man had too little faith in the greed and destructive power of man). And Frederick von Hayek. Thanks to him, we had the beginnings of capitalism.

Actually, turning to a more intellectual discussion (yes, despite appearances, I am in fact capable of one), is this recent spate of financial mess really the beginning of a new era? Post great depression, the world turned one of the planned economy. Of nationalised industry, of subsidised, government supported national champions to further the national interest. Sowed the seeds of communist and capitalist divide, when people realised that nationalisation could make some men a lot of money at the taxpayers expense. So, in actual fact, the communists were purer. :-) They took longer to realise the fruits of capitalism. Sigh, how do you expect me to be pure when reality is like this? When we are being lied to everyday to further the interest of a few men (and fewer, women) in power? Obviously, the only way of escaping this lie is to climb! THAT is why I wanted to climb. And to do that, I need to verify my status in life my getting a post-grad degree from a top 10 institution. :@ 烦恼。

2009

At the end of every year I like to reflect on my past, present and future. This year, I would like to think that there is no point dwelling on the past, the present cannot be other than what it is, and the future cannot be planned. But, maybe it is my woman's weakness, but I can't help but still think. And this is to help me collect my thoughts.

There are no big things in life, only a multitude of small things. Piled higher and deeper. Then before you realise, that is your life.

Many people think that I am one who loves life. What does that mean? I think that it is the greatest opportunity that anyone is ever given on this earth and that it is our duty to live it to the full. Same conclusion as most of the religions of this earth. And it took most of my teenage years to figure it out. When I could have just trusted holy texts and skipped all the philosophising. But alas, I am the kind of child that needs to burn her hand to be convinced that the stove is hot.

Been to Taiwan and back. Realised that I am dependent on Hong Kong. Or any big city. It is really a form of narcissism. All of marketing is based on one's self love. Therefore, a shopping experience, at it's greatest, is nothing more than a celebration of self. What does it really matter if we cannot reach our friends at a moment's notice? I will simply make the times that we have with them more cherished.

Am back home now. In one of the first places I remember. And now, since I have been without their warmth for so long in HK, I now realise how wonderful a thing family is. To have people that will care for you, that share the same habits, that will help you through the minutiae of life. First thing I got upon arrival: food. Second: 68% alcohol. To "help get me used to the cold". I couldn't down it. Which is a good thing. Shows that I am at peace.

I am further on the road about myself being stuck between two cultures. I am Chinese with Western characteristics so to speak. ;-) I can act like them, talk like them, perhaps even look like them, but deep inside, I will never be like them. I cannot treat sex like it's nothing special. I cannot get stone drunk every night. I can't spend everything I have to worry about the future in the future. I find it hard to screw people over. But that is not a purely western characteristic.

I think that maybe I am too pure for the world of business. I am like the girl with the gun in movies. I just can't pull the trigger and kill the son of a bitch. Is it possible to succeed and be nice at the same time? I would like to believe so. But I realise that it is twice as hard as succeeding by killing all your competitors.

It seems that all the way here, I am surrounded by children. In China, they are so rowdy. Is it a national trait? I want quiet kids. Quiet, polite kids. Ones that don't rouse a sleepy young girl midway throughout her flight. This then, gets me to thinking about my private life. Or lack thereof. I've told my friends that I have given up. I am looking for true love. But then, isn't everyone?

I shall live like a nun. And read. And think. And save money. And travel. And secure my future.