2009

At the end of every year I like to reflect on my past, present and future. This year, I would like to think that there is no point dwelling on the past, the present cannot be other than what it is, and the future cannot be planned. But, maybe it is my woman's weakness, but I can't help but still think. And this is to help me collect my thoughts.

There are no big things in life, only a multitude of small things. Piled higher and deeper. Then before you realise, that is your life.

Many people think that I am one who loves life. What does that mean? I think that it is the greatest opportunity that anyone is ever given on this earth and that it is our duty to live it to the full. Same conclusion as most of the religions of this earth. And it took most of my teenage years to figure it out. When I could have just trusted holy texts and skipped all the philosophising. But alas, I am the kind of child that needs to burn her hand to be convinced that the stove is hot.

Been to Taiwan and back. Realised that I am dependent on Hong Kong. Or any big city. It is really a form of narcissism. All of marketing is based on one's self love. Therefore, a shopping experience, at it's greatest, is nothing more than a celebration of self. What does it really matter if we cannot reach our friends at a moment's notice? I will simply make the times that we have with them more cherished.

Am back home now. In one of the first places I remember. And now, since I have been without their warmth for so long in HK, I now realise how wonderful a thing family is. To have people that will care for you, that share the same habits, that will help you through the minutiae of life. First thing I got upon arrival: food. Second: 68% alcohol. To "help get me used to the cold". I couldn't down it. Which is a good thing. Shows that I am at peace.

I am further on the road about myself being stuck between two cultures. I am Chinese with Western characteristics so to speak. ;-) I can act like them, talk like them, perhaps even look like them, but deep inside, I will never be like them. I cannot treat sex like it's nothing special. I cannot get stone drunk every night. I can't spend everything I have to worry about the future in the future. I find it hard to screw people over. But that is not a purely western characteristic.

I think that maybe I am too pure for the world of business. I am like the girl with the gun in movies. I just can't pull the trigger and kill the son of a bitch. Is it possible to succeed and be nice at the same time? I would like to believe so. But I realise that it is twice as hard as succeeding by killing all your competitors.

It seems that all the way here, I am surrounded by children. In China, they are so rowdy. Is it a national trait? I want quiet kids. Quiet, polite kids. Ones that don't rouse a sleepy young girl midway throughout her flight. This then, gets me to thinking about my private life. Or lack thereof. I've told my friends that I have given up. I am looking for true love. But then, isn't everyone?

I shall live like a nun. And read. And think. And save money. And travel. And secure my future.