Fate vs. Intent

I was going to do a post on what Chinese people want from the billboard advertising that I have taken all over the place. Satire. Then I realised, hey, I have all these things. Just not in China.

Day after day I sit here bitching about my life. Yesterday, upon conversing with a childhood friend that had basically the same fate as me since childhood, I realised that a lot of it is my own fault. He is a little older, just graduated in Electrical Engineering with honours, has a girlfriend that he's been with since high school and has just started work. At his dad's old place sure, but it pays alright correct?

So, the question is, what, am I doing here? Root finding? Am I serious about coming back? I thought I was. It makes sense no? I mean, if the world is globalising, then it is only a matter of time before the Indians and Chinese take over with their more concientious approach to work, the increased competition etc etc. The so-called "Asian Tigers" are already like that. Except not strong enough to really open trade barriers, so that their comparative advantage (human resource) can be really exploited. I just want to be well positioned when that happens. And plus, I have a desperation to fit in. Maybe he (childhood friend) can be happy being an observer in society, knowing that he can't really fit in, but trying to be happy with compassion and understanding, but it's not enough for me! I want to be understood! Not just looked upon as some kind of novelty that cares too much about politics and economics.

Went to Chiang Kai-Shek (蒋介石）old home of 溪口 (XiKou) today. So now I have seen his entire life history. Accidently. Ancestral home - career capital (dear 南京) - end of his life 台北. Really, really seriously, painfully regret sleeping in now. Wish I had seen his dead body. Aw. . . . . . :'( Now, I think a lot of opportunities has slipped past me like this. Another reason why I shouldn't bitch. His entire life was one of selfish pursuit of his own advancement. Quite like the one I had planned to lead before a bunch of things that were thrown my way made me confused. Is that such a bad life to lead? I mean, most people that are famous led lives like this. The philosophical ones, the ones that advised, had their heads chopped off when they got too smart for their own good.

Hm, he loved, lost, hated, sacrificed, was betrayed, was exiled. It was a good life. Plus I don't care about truth anymore. There is no truth in this world. There is no certainty. Not about the future, present, and definitely not the past.

I think Black Swan is screwing me over. At least it's not real philosophy.

Ok, revised life goal: I shall go on pursuing the good life in China, where I feel like I actually fit in. If I can't, I'll go back to the western world, become that asian sweet-faced cutt-throat bitch, hang around in NZ or Aus waiting for my change to get to US or UK, looking for ways to worm myself into b-school with sponsorship, then hop around until I kinda find a job (hopefully back in China) that is not too boring, well paid and looks like it's fairly stable.

Unfortunately, all this continent hopping kills my chances of a real relationship. Ok, this is going to be my next source of denial. Look for something real when I will probably have to settle for something fake.