Let Go.

Heard about a book yesterday called The Overachievers: The Secret Lives of Driven Kids. Got totally into it this morning. I have a lot in common with these kids. Even though NZ isn't an ultracompetitive atmosphere. I guess parents, myself, SCONZ, RI was. And I have figured out why I choose IBanking those years ago. Benchmarking. i.e. returns. Easily benchmarked results that I can further fight for.

If I think back, I gave up so much for those serious of numbers and letters that I now attach to the end of my CV. I stopped playing the violin. I stopped almost all sport (table tennis, but that was just a bunch of us bumming around). I stopped watching all my trashy TV and reading my trashy fiction. I guess it was not all in vain. I can now more or less get through 400 pages in a morning. And boast that I lived through hell (not as much as the kids on the book though, I had some degree of free time), and survived to tell the tale.

Now thinking back, I always suppressed my feelings. I thought that stress was a state of mind, and that, as long as I didn't acknowledge it in my mind, it obviously didn't exist. It all makes sense now. My depressed frame of mine, thinning hair, hormone imbalances, acne, binge eating, chest constrictions (yea, scary). . . All this time I thought I was handled things so well. Being so tough. But actually, I was dying inside. Amazing. And this coming from someone who promised never to lie to herself. And also, never to have any regrets. All of a sudden, I realised that all I've been doing is deceiving myself. And now regret a lot of the opportunities that I did not take advantage of. So many things that I was good and enjoyed other than studying. But gave up because spending time on it might adversely affect my grades. I thought, that, I would regret it if I didn't manage to do the best I could on every exam. Why did it not occur to me that exams were not the most important thing in life? Oh yea. I thought that those people were unambitious losers that couldn't handle the heat. So consoled themselves with mundane things such as having a life.

So, in light of this epiphany, what does this bode for new, enlightened me? Follow my dreams. Remind myself why I choose this field. Because I was in love with the idea that human behaviour might, should methods be advanced enough, be modeled and predicted with maths. Like Isaac Asimov's Foundation. Psychohistory. Haha, so all this goes back to a primary school teacher who introduced me to the author, and a tastely stocked intermediate school library. I was looking for one of the robot series, but found Foundation instead. Fate and circumstance.

I miss math. Been looking at my roommate's homework for Uncertainty, and it's just an advanced micro course. Didn't know how to solve it though. Way too out of touch.

Only problem is, how am I going to get rich out of this? Follow your dreams and the money will come? Perhaps. Indeed. But it's hard to see where a microeconomist could possibly work. I mean, people don't exactly comission microeconomic reports very often. It's a part of information asymmetry. One cannot gather enough information to make the analysis, well, correct, although that is improving. But that doesn't mean I should give up! Macroeconomists, on the other hand, are different. They can put out quarterly, even monthly reports with the reporting of macro indicators by various statistical agencies. Then they can adjust them. And do a SECOND, perhaps THIRD analysis. Enough to keep one busy till the next month. Or quarter. Actually, market microstructure is very interesting. It meshes quantitative and qualitative aspects of finance and micro. It's the assignment that I'm procrasting over now lol. Maybe I'm tough enough to become a quant. Maybe my unexpected amazing high mark on derivatives might be a sign that I might be good at this. It's better do get into market design than S & T though. From a self-fulfilment point of view.

I guess, come what may. Not that I have any kind of choice in this market. Am wondering if I should make an effort for consulting. Even though I know I'm a bad fit. And am bad at lying about it.