Valentine's Day?

Just woke up from napping in the medical library. I'm really quite hopeless. Studying is definitely not my strength, Think of how long I have spent in a similar situation, sleeping, reading, sleeping, think about random stuff, read, do problems. I'm so sick of this.

Went to a Valentine's Day party last night. Horrible. I'm not going out anymore. I'm not used to the drinking and the hedonism anymore. And I should have had the guts to leave early. Why didn't I? Why did I insist that I stayed there until some of the people that I knew left for me to then leave? Isn't it so, weak and dependent of me? I feel bad.

The whole point of going to this thing was to meet more people from the new exchange crowd. I did meet some, but furthermore, the experience gave me a reflection of what I was and wasn't.

Been missing NZ lately. opportunities there that I miss by being here. The open spaces. The lack of horribly distinct racial/wealth class.

As a "foreigner", you become detached from the society. Made me realise that there is nothing that we have to or don't have to do. Like this studying for example.

My father is just as controlling as ever. Wants me to stay in during reading week and study as opposed to travel. You can guess where I want to tell him to put that idea. This makes things even more depressing. I need to find a way to move out when I get back. Job, money. Sacrifices. More arguments. All my life, all I've really wanted is to get away from my father's side of the family. To a place where I had freedom. Where noone made it their business to control me. I guess Hong Kong has provided that. For an all-too-brief period of time.

This end of March, I have to go back and bury my grandfather. About time. It's only been two years since the old man left. Deep dread. I don't understand a word they say. I don't have language talents. I've heard it, mostly in argument, continuously ever since I was small, and still don't understand a word. More blessing than curse I think. I just have to bring my laptop, or more importantly iPod Charger, and just make sure my mind is somewhere else while my body is there. Some things in life we can't change.

I think, I have fully accepted that I will never be fully assimilated into any society. Maybe the expat one, but those people are mostly more screwed up than I am, so doesn't count. That sounds mad emo, but do not be alarmed, it is not. Back in school, I would do everything I can to match my peers. Even though I could only imagine what it was that they were up to in weekends. Going to beach houses, skiing, go-carting. My parents thought those things were a waste of time and money and distracted me from what I was meant to do. Study. Lost childhood?

I hated creative writing. Why? Because, I was always afraid the my internal censor would slip and I would write something that was not socially acceptable in the western world in the course of raising your child.

My childhood was not sunny to say the least. But, like everything, there were beacons of light. Hope flourishes everywhere I guess. I used to blame this on people or circumstance. But now, I just think, why? We can't really control who we are, and circumstances are always beyond our control. Life is too short for regrets anyway. My only regret is that I remember so little of my happy days in Nanjing. Or else my memories are clouded by my subsequent experiences.

I guess, as a migrant, I'm a failure. I couldn't adapt. I thought too much. I'm not happy with just food, water, shelter and work. I need to feel like I belong. Is that the reason why I'm so competitive? To gain recognition in the eyes of society? I think so. And have I be recognised? I don't think anyone cares. Including myself.

What can I say? Apart from being boring, I'm also bored.

If you have kids, let them do what they want. Or else they might turn out like me.