I'm so depressed. . .

I don't know if it's the sh*tty weather, or lack of exercise, or lack of good food or school pressure, lack of sleep, or bad grades, or just hormonal imbalances or what, but I feel so CRAP!

Such a loser. . . I hate the world, everything, can't focus. . . my god. So what if I don't get an HKU 3.5? It's not the end of my world. So what if I get rejected by all the IBs? It's not like I don't have another chance. So what if I hate HK, again. . . .

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There's nothing to say, I need to be able to handle this. It's no big deal. This is ridiculous. I should not react by refusal to face the work ahead of me or dream about escaping to Russia, and learning Russian. With cute geeky Russian guys with think accents. . . I'm going jogging.

Build a life, not a resume.

Have finally understood it. Advice, really, just steers you from making mistakes. Doesn't give you direction, purpose.

We all grow, and be changed by the environment around us. Nothing is forever.

See what you can. Do what you want to do.

Pursue it. Live it.

Let Go.

Heard about a book yesterday called The Overachievers: The Secret Lives of Driven Kids. Got totally into it this morning. I have a lot in common with these kids. Even though NZ isn't an ultracompetitive atmosphere. I guess parents, myself, SCONZ, RI was. And I have figured out why I choose IBanking those years ago. Benchmarking. i.e. returns. Easily benchmarked results that I can further fight for.

If I think back, I gave up so much for those serious of numbers and letters that I now attach to the end of my CV. I stopped playing the violin. I stopped almost all sport (table tennis, but that was just a bunch of us bumming around). I stopped watching all my trashy TV and reading my trashy fiction. I guess it was not all in vain. I can now more or less get through 400 pages in a morning. And boast that I lived through hell (not as much as the kids on the book though, I had some degree of free time), and survived to tell the tale.

Now thinking back, I always suppressed my feelings. I thought that stress was a state of mind, and that, as long as I didn't acknowledge it in my mind, it obviously didn't exist. It all makes sense now. My depressed frame of mine, thinning hair, hormone imbalances, acne, binge eating, chest constrictions (yea, scary). . . All this time I thought I was handled things so well. Being so tough. But actually, I was dying inside. Amazing. And this coming from someone who promised never to lie to herself. And also, never to have any regrets. All of a sudden, I realised that all I've been doing is deceiving myself. And now regret a lot of the opportunities that I did not take advantage of. So many things that I was good and enjoyed other than studying. But gave up because spending time on it might adversely affect my grades. I thought, that, I would regret it if I didn't manage to do the best I could on every exam. Why did it not occur to me that exams were not the most important thing in life? Oh yea. I thought that those people were unambitious losers that couldn't handle the heat. So consoled themselves with mundane things such as having a life.

So, in light of this epiphany, what does this bode for new, enlightened me? Follow my dreams. Remind myself why I choose this field. Because I was in love with the idea that human behaviour might, should methods be advanced enough, be modeled and predicted with maths. Like Isaac Asimov's Foundation. Psychohistory. Haha, so all this goes back to a primary school teacher who introduced me to the author, and a tastely stocked intermediate school library. I was looking for one of the robot series, but found Foundation instead. Fate and circumstance.

I miss math. Been looking at my roommate's homework for Uncertainty, and it's just an advanced micro course. Didn't know how to solve it though. Way too out of touch.

Only problem is, how am I going to get rich out of this? Follow your dreams and the money will come? Perhaps. Indeed. But it's hard to see where a microeconomist could possibly work. I mean, people don't exactly comission microeconomic reports very often. It's a part of information asymmetry. One cannot gather enough information to make the analysis, well, correct, although that is improving. But that doesn't mean I should give up! Macroeconomists, on the other hand, are different. They can put out quarterly, even monthly reports with the reporting of macro indicators by various statistical agencies. Then they can adjust them. And do a SECOND, perhaps THIRD analysis. Enough to keep one busy till the next month. Or quarter. Actually, market microstructure is very interesting. It meshes quantitative and qualitative aspects of finance and micro. It's the assignment that I'm procrasting over now lol. Maybe I'm tough enough to become a quant. Maybe my unexpected amazing high mark on derivatives might be a sign that I might be good at this. It's better do get into market design than S & T though. From a self-fulfilment point of view.

I guess, come what may. Not that I have any kind of choice in this market. Am wondering if I should make an effort for consulting. Even though I know I'm a bad fit. And am bad at lying about it.

Lack of soul.

Just spent most of today reading, re-reading my resume and CL. I cannot believe how long this kind of thing takes. For two sheets of paper!

It's remoulding yourself. Rewriting history. Take things you have done and change them. All this makes me think. Is anything we do really worth it?

Valentine's Day?

Just woke up from napping in the medical library. I'm really quite hopeless. Studying is definitely not my strength, Think of how long I have spent in a similar situation, sleeping, reading, sleeping, think about random stuff, read, do problems. I'm so sick of this.

Went to a Valentine's Day party last night. Horrible. I'm not going out anymore. I'm not used to the drinking and the hedonism anymore. And I should have had the guts to leave early. Why didn't I? Why did I insist that I stayed there until some of the people that I knew left for me to then leave? Isn't it so, weak and dependent of me? I feel bad.

The whole point of going to this thing was to meet more people from the new exchange crowd. I did meet some, but furthermore, the experience gave me a reflection of what I was and wasn't.

Been missing NZ lately. opportunities there that I miss by being here. The open spaces. The lack of horribly distinct racial/wealth class.

As a "foreigner", you become detached from the society. Made me realise that there is nothing that we have to or don't have to do. Like this studying for example.

My father is just as controlling as ever. Wants me to stay in during reading week and study as opposed to travel. You can guess where I want to tell him to put that idea. This makes things even more depressing. I need to find a way to move out when I get back. Job, money. Sacrifices. More arguments. All my life, all I've really wanted is to get away from my father's side of the family. To a place where I had freedom. Where noone made it their business to control me. I guess Hong Kong has provided that. For an all-too-brief period of time.

This end of March, I have to go back and bury my grandfather. About time. It's only been two years since the old man left. Deep dread. I don't understand a word they say. I don't have language talents. I've heard it, mostly in argument, continuously ever since I was small, and still don't understand a word. More blessing than curse I think. I just have to bring my laptop, or more importantly iPod Charger, and just make sure my mind is somewhere else while my body is there. Some things in life we can't change.

I think, I have fully accepted that I will never be fully assimilated into any society. Maybe the expat one, but those people are mostly more screwed up than I am, so doesn't count. That sounds mad emo, but do not be alarmed, it is not. Back in school, I would do everything I can to match my peers. Even though I could only imagine what it was that they were up to in weekends. Going to beach houses, skiing, go-carting. My parents thought those things were a waste of time and money and distracted me from what I was meant to do. Study. Lost childhood?

I hated creative writing. Why? Because, I was always afraid the my internal censor would slip and I would write something that was not socially acceptable in the western world in the course of raising your child.

My childhood was not sunny to say the least. But, like everything, there were beacons of light. Hope flourishes everywhere I guess. I used to blame this on people or circumstance. But now, I just think, why? We can't really control who we are, and circumstances are always beyond our control. Life is too short for regrets anyway. My only regret is that I remember so little of my happy days in Nanjing. Or else my memories are clouded by my subsequent experiences.

I guess, as a migrant, I'm a failure. I couldn't adapt. I thought too much. I'm not happy with just food, water, shelter and work. I need to feel like I belong. Is that the reason why I'm so competitive? To gain recognition in the eyes of society? I think so. And have I be recognised? I don't think anyone cares. Including myself.

What can I say? Apart from being boring, I'm also bored.

If you have kids, let them do what they want. Or else they might turn out like me.

I'm boring. . . .

I have come to realise, that, I am damned boring!

I mean, what on earth do I talk about? Me. My worries. My future. My family. My feelings. My grades. Do I simply have no other topics??? Nothing in life that interests me besides myself and what I like?

Would someone else reading this blog be interested at ALL? I know I wouldn't be. I would think that I'm a self-absorbed, self-assured, oblivious little thing that needs a dose of humility.

From now on, I am going to work on making myself more interesting. Becoming a more well-rounded individual. Do more than just worry about grades. Wean myself off that kind of elation when I get good grades/beat someone, and conversely, that sinking feeling when I think I've underperformed. Or could have worked harder.

I need to grow up.

So, what would grown-up, interesting, me talk about?

Today began with Market Microstructures, a course that examines the trading mechanisms behind exchanges in the major markets around the world, and, I believe, how those mechanisms can be exploited. You see, first thing we learn in economics is the supply and demand diagram. When supply matches demand, trade takes place at the stated price and quantity. That's in econ theory land, or maybe in Chicago, but in practise, it is a lot more complicated. For example, sure, we know the price, but who gets how many at that price? What if you run out at that price? Then do I have to pay more? The early bird gets the worm in an ideal world, but is there anyway I can jump the queue? How do I know how much I should pay? There a lots of reasons why the suppliers can't find the demanders.

Thus, that is where the bankers come in. Intermediating. Connecting the suppliers with the demanders. But, it's a dog eat dog world out there, and while they take advantage of their "customers", there are those that seek to take advantage of them. Add the regulators in (and like all regulators, they mostly just meddle), it's a full circus. Plus extras. It is, in fact, what a lot of secretive hedge funds do. They game the system. And, as I have started to learn, there is much to play around with.

For example, today, the major thing that I got from the lecture was order-precedence rules. Usually, you go by price (lowest sell (ask), highest buy (bid)), then timing. But in the NYSE, whenever a full order is matched, e.g. 100 shares to sell with 100 shares to buy, all subsequent orders at the same price are then automatically set at the same precedence. So, in theory, if a trader can see the Books, he/she can trade to clear the book exactly, then submit lots of orders of that share at the former price, and get almost instant execution as soon as the next sell/buy order comes along. This, is of course, only possible if you have very fast information. So is thus limited to institutions who have paid lots of money to have instant info from the exchange, or, the floor brokers, or the "crowd" on the NYSE itself. The entire system is set up, in essence to game the small investor, for the favoured few. I guess, you could say that that is life. The strong prey on the weak.

This course, there is a writing assignment, and I have, out of pure luck, paired up with a Phd student majoring in Electricity Supply. (I think that's what it is in English). I have a lot to learn from him. It's crazy how efficient he is. Today, he passed me a 19 page document of just about all the media reports on the HKeX's (Hong Kong Exchange) new closing procedure, initiated May 30, 2008, and the critisms levied at it. And here I am, the little third year. Done nothing. (Insert sinking feeling here). He thinks my four courses are pretty light. Compared to him, I reckon it must be pretty easy. Well, just have to work harder.

Now, next class is Financial Statement Analysis, in return for four day weekends, I have a full day of lectures on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's worth it.

This class is taught by the same lecturer as the previous one. And he's living proof, that good looks is not the most important thing in a character because, this guy, is very good looking. In the traditional sense, but, unattractive. He's just so damned cold! Those piercing eyes, lack of smiles, no jokes, and somewhat arrogant and condescending manner. . . In the old days, he would be a strict schoolmaster with a timid, simple wife. I guess modern women want more. He keeps talking about the "dating market" as an example of information asymmetry. In doing so, he confirms and condemns himself to singlehood. Now, that is efficient. =)

Now this class, FSA, is a stark contrast to the class before. In that class, I'm interested, challenged and attentive. In FSA, I'm bored and feel like a friendless loser. You see, we were asked to form a group of 6 for our presentation assignment. And I have kinda missed the boat. It's a large lecture, so, noone tends to talk to each other unless they already know each other. In fact, we don't talk to each other in MM either, even though there is this girl in my class, also in FSA, that, had I had the guts to talk to her, and somehow worm myself into her group, I can confidently say that I did not need to worry about FSA presentation marks this semester. However, my networking skills are just not that good. . . well, I missed optimal timing. Again, timing is crucial. I have so much to say about timing. More on that later. Anyway, to cut long story short, I asked this girl that was sitting by herself next to me, and she looked at me like I was some kind of insane asylum escapee, and said "Yes." like it was obvious, and I should know that. Well, she could have rejected me nicely. With a smile. Wouldn't have taken her much of an effort, but it would have meant a lot to me. Now I know how guys feel when they are rejected by some girl. I vow to be as nice as possible next time I reject someone. If I ever do. Maybe that is why guys do better. They are forced, by nature (lack of wombs) to take rejection. For the future of their genetics. If I was a guy I'd do the same thing.

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Just got handed a condom and a flyer for Moulin Rouge Valentine's Day Party. Haven't been out once today. Somehow, whenever I think of dressing up prettily, getting smash drunk and come back looking like it doesn't appeal anymore. I want to remain me. Or get drunk with friends that I care about. Actually, I don't see the point. I always remember everything that happens. And can control myself. Mostly.
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Anyway, Econ History, is well, Econ History, same old, same old. (Old, hah). I felt more in touch with my Chineseness for a while. Now I think I'm losing my non-Chineseness. Not sure I can go as crazy anymore. Not a bad thing.

Corporate Finance, however, was interesting. We analysed a case of a company called UST, manufacturers of moist, smokeless tobacco, and they were considering a leveraged share buy back. We are supposed to give out opinions about this. One group was choosen to do a presentation on it. Now, this group, consisted of one HK local, and two Australians, plus Annoying Guy. Annoying guy, is that boy in school who asked questions about everything the teacher said, and self-assuredly challenged what the teacher said, and always tried to go beyond what was taught in class, but missed the mark, and the point. I'm not sure why he does that. He should try to be more correct. Or talk less. Now, I haven't met anyone like the annoying guy for a long time. And you all know I'm a terrible listener, and frankly, I have no idea what he says 85-95% of the time. He talks too fast. And in circles. Never stakes out a position. And uses far too many buzz words. But for a while there, because I didn't do the numbers. He totally blindsided me. Another sinking feeling. Next assignment, I'm going to volunteer to do the numbers. I had no idea how dependent I was on numbers.

On a brighter note, UBS has just announced the biggest corporate losses in Swiss history, of SFr8.10billion. For last quarter. And that is after a SFr1.73bn tax benefit and a reclassification of assets that allowed the bank to avoid recognising a further trading loss of about SFr3bn. Total losses for 2008: SFr 20 bil. Another 2,000 job cuts in IBD announced. I need to be less focussed on IB.

Case in point: I refuse to give my life up for a job. It's not even a dream. What is there to dream about? The 100hr work week? The 4 hr per day of sleep? There isn't any time to dream!!! I don't want to earn millions, but be 40, divorced, childless, and have nothing outside of deal-making or trading. Getting hit on by young, lazy little things because they want to spend and not pay for it.

So, instead of thinking, "I want to be an I-Banker", I should go out and achieve things that I can be proud of. Looking at my CV, there are very few things that I'm proud of. Or in fact, did because I actually wanted to do. Now, that's going to change. New plan of action.

Trapped.

Went to a firm visit at a insurance company today. Went well I guess. One of the Directors invited me to apply and discussed the brillant future of the Mainland Chinese insurance industry development with me. Charted Financial Planner was what he was pushing. Even private wealth has their own certification now.

But, looking at those people in cubicles, talking on phones, tapping on their keyboards. Trapped. I don't want to live my life in a cubicle. Corner office. Looking at taxes and financial statements, investments, different products. What a waste of life! It's like, seeing your life shrinking into a small point. A small cubicle as a matter of fact. Salespeople sell. Actuaries calculate. IT solve computer glitches, accountants do their thing. They come to work. Do a little, joke a little. Discuss work, life, children, school, grades. Go home, family life, sleep. Then go back to work. It's the 9 to 5. Pay is not bad, I can imagine. Stable. Enough to afford a good home, food. With occasional splurges. It's what my parents have. More or less.

What then, do I want? If I can't be happy living a normal life? I should be grateful that I even have the chance to live a normal life. Much less be repulsed by it. Hmmm. . . start my own business. Work up enough cash, and then start acquiring other companies. It's how empires are built right? That's interesting. Not cubicle.

Been reading Marcus Aurelius' Meditations. As well as Art of War. Both good. Meditations, is, not suprisingly one of those books that gets you to think about yourself. Whle AoW is all about strategy, and how to dominate others, while keeping them in good enough shape to then govern, and for them to allow themselves to be governed over, by you, the invader. I can see why businesspeople like it so much. And politicians like Meditations. After all, isn't politics just about taking backstabbing, and still keep your character pure enough so that you may seem like a benevolent leader?

My nationality already excludes me as a politican in any country. Best I can ever hope for is a go-between, and a not fully trusted by either side one at that. Fate.