It occurs to me, that, if I am serious about coming back to China, I need to learn Chinese. And not just learn, LEARN. Sigh. I'm setting myself a goal of 10 words per day. It's tough, but I need to be able to do it. . . . then assuming that I am able to fully stick to it, and, I actually remember, then, assuming that I already know 3,000 or so, in a year's time, I'll know enough to be considered literate. Add another year for all this to sink in, and by the time I graduate(end 2010), I should be fluent in Chinese. Is this merely wishful thinking? Hopefully not. I shall do my best. I mean, I'm smart right? I'm starting to think that that counts for less and less.
Oh, and the title? It takes 10 years for one to be a master at anything. How many do I have? around 4? 5? I mean, I would say that all my English skills I had at the age of 16 or 17. Thanks to Eng Lit. 10 years after I arrived in NZ. That is mad depressing. Waiting for my Chinese skills to mature cannot possibly take that long. I would say a lot of my education was wasted. So, 6 years? Time will tell I guess.
Am feeling more and more detached from my fellow PM mates. Don't care about going out clubbing anymore. Or fooding etc. Just want to travel the places I haven't been, read the stuff I've been assigned, and more if I have time, apply for interns etc. There isn't all that much time really. And I feel I should make the most of it instead of wasting it away. I think I've been doing OK at that so far.
Thursday, 15 January 2009
Saturday, 10 January 2009
Back! With trepidation.
At the airport, I bought a copy of Marcus Aurelius' Meditations. It's in both Chinese and English, so I can practise off it by reading one chapter and then the same chapter again. Perfect, since it's one of those books that one can always re-read and gain a deeper understanding. Apparently, 温家宝 has it next to his bedside table and has read it many times. Kind of like the Bible. I finally see why people swear by the Bible. It's nice to have something that one can just believe, without questioning, without skepticism, without looking for holes in the argument, as one must do with everything else, now that one is all grown up, and being like a naive young child is no longer acceptable. This of course, contradicts with my previous post, but I have not made up my mind fully. Thus, I am looking for guidance from an ancient roman emperor. Who I envision in the Hollywood version, as the benevolent one that freed Russel Crowe. :-)
Hong Kong is definitely different from the mainland. It is the land where my weekly food fees can send a mainland child to school for a month. A good school at that. Where I think nothing of paying 65HKD for a taxi fare that isn't even that far. And justify it to myself by converting to NZD, not the 10 meals or so that could have bought me across the border. All because of currency and capital flow controls for the good of the export economy, yes, but, it still feels just as unfair. I'm filled with goods guilt. I have sooooo much stuff. Ok, I've spent a lot of money, but not that much. It's mostly stuff I had sent over. Mostly.
I really want to shut myself out of this place and escape to other places when I have the chance. Pray that I get a good timetable.
Also, where are all the Asians in this place? Just when I have gotten used to Chinese culture, I seem surrounded by Europeans. My roommate seems to be a European too. But I have no idea. Mixed pictures.
Hong Kong is definitely different from the mainland. It is the land where my weekly food fees can send a mainland child to school for a month. A good school at that. Where I think nothing of paying 65HKD for a taxi fare that isn't even that far. And justify it to myself by converting to NZD, not the 10 meals or so that could have bought me across the border. All because of currency and capital flow controls for the good of the export economy, yes, but, it still feels just as unfair. I'm filled with goods guilt. I have sooooo much stuff. Ok, I've spent a lot of money, but not that much. It's mostly stuff I had sent over. Mostly.
I really want to shut myself out of this place and escape to other places when I have the chance. Pray that I get a good timetable.
Also, where are all the Asians in this place? Just when I have gotten used to Chinese culture, I seem surrounded by Europeans. My roommate seems to be a European too. But I have no idea. Mixed pictures.
人有三个要忘。
忘记年龄，忘记不愉的事，忘记伤痛。（可是最后的应该是对于感情的伤痛吧，有病该治。）在理发厅里听到的八卦理论。:-)
有的时候生活的噪音真的蛮烦的。可是还是要处理。
今天天气真好，清明，宽阔的蓝天。晚霞也很美。
买了一本《中国国家地理》。照片上那些遥远的景色，就像我小时候想象中的。好想去哦！可是需要更一些靠得住的人一起去。那些人在哪儿？找他们可难呢。
快看完Black Swan。给我启发。还是继续读下去。看点数学。我学数学的时候，心里总是有一个独特的安定感。从解出一难题取得一个幼稚的乐趣。不必在乎国家大事，自然的秘密什么。这是不是为什么很多孤独症的孩子喜爱数学？
还是躲在这个社会的避风港吧。忘记时间的流逝，忘记世上烦恼和伤痛。不要太快长大，在当几年小孩吧。
有的时候生活的噪音真的蛮烦的。可是还是要处理。
今天天气真好，清明，宽阔的蓝天。晚霞也很美。
买了一本《中国国家地理》。照片上那些遥远的景色，就像我小时候想象中的。好想去哦！可是需要更一些靠得住的人一起去。那些人在哪儿？找他们可难呢。
快看完Black Swan。给我启发。还是继续读下去。看点数学。我学数学的时候，心里总是有一个独特的安定感。从解出一难题取得一个幼稚的乐趣。不必在乎国家大事，自然的秘密什么。这是不是为什么很多孤独症的孩子喜爱数学？
还是躲在这个社会的避风港吧。忘记时间的流逝，忘记世上烦恼和伤痛。不要太快长大，在当几年小孩吧。
Friday, 9 January 2009
Finally Awoken.
I have realised that I am being very silly. Life is a constant struggle, and we must live through it. I'm still young, and I live in a very different era to my parents. They were made to believe that as long as they did whatever the country told them to, they would be provided for for the rest of their years. That is only in utopia, although my grandparents are living that life. In a way it is a kind of realisation of the goal of communism. To the select few, who dared to believe in the dream when it looked unachieveable. The early bird gets the worm. And for the first time, I have managed to awaken of my own violition before 10am. It means I have caught up on my sleep. It has only taken . . . gosh, who knows. I don't remember much of the between time in Ningbo.
Ok, just realised that today, not tomorrow is my last day in Nanjing before I come back 2 weeks later. :-) More significantly, RBS application is due tomorrow, and I have no cover letter. Back to work.
Ok, just realised that today, not tomorrow is my last day in Nanjing before I come back 2 weeks later. :-) More significantly, RBS application is due tomorrow, and I have no cover letter. Back to work.
Damn I have a lot of free time.
This just out, ranking of top 200 jobs. Mathematician comes out top, and they earn decently.
http://www.careercast.com/jobs/content/JobsRated_10BestJobs
Am going into a conjoint degree when I get back for sure. Banking is good, but I can't be a banker for life. I like sleeping too much. I think I can take two years. And make a good job of it. Then sleep for a month, hopefully not slip into a coma or die, and then move into something else.
Actually, I think this is the reason why I'm so eager to throw away my future private life for a rewarding career. It's the area where my parents have traded away, for a good private life. Was it worth it? I would have no idea. Of course, I could never bring myself to live like that. Now.
I probably can't come back to Asia right now. Pay too low. Too much competition. Too corrupt. Too little chance of advancement. I need to be senior enough to be paid decently and afford a good standard of living if I were to come back here. Root finding is over.
What I need to do, is to find some good internship experience, and conditions permitting, work for 2 years or so, then go back and get a Masters (not MBA, too BS), and perhaps PhD at some prestigious institution of learning, then hopefully that will allow me to climb further. Or into HF. Plus, Chinese people look up to those, so management positions will probably open up too.
Swashbuckling entrepreneurship is not for this life. I'm too rich (ironically). I have too much to lose. I can't risk my family like that. :-( Again, fate and circumstance.
http://www.careercast.com/jobs/content/JobsRated_10BestJobs
Am going into a conjoint degree when I get back for sure. Banking is good, but I can't be a banker for life. I like sleeping too much. I think I can take two years. And make a good job of it. Then sleep for a month, hopefully not slip into a coma or die, and then move into something else.
Actually, I think this is the reason why I'm so eager to throw away my future private life for a rewarding career. It's the area where my parents have traded away, for a good private life. Was it worth it? I would have no idea. Of course, I could never bring myself to live like that. Now.
I probably can't come back to Asia right now. Pay too low. Too much competition. Too corrupt. Too little chance of advancement. I need to be senior enough to be paid decently and afford a good standard of living if I were to come back here. Root finding is over.
What I need to do, is to find some good internship experience, and conditions permitting, work for 2 years or so, then go back and get a Masters (not MBA, too BS), and perhaps PhD at some prestigious institution of learning, then hopefully that will allow me to climb further. Or into HF. Plus, Chinese people look up to those, so management positions will probably open up too.
Swashbuckling entrepreneurship is not for this life. I'm too rich (ironically). I have too much to lose. I can't risk my family like that. :-( Again, fate and circumstance.
Thursday, 8 January 2009
"The bag is the lifestyle"
This just occurred to me. In big cities, there is no space nor time for hobbies, so one pursues money and shopping. Thus, the obsession with designer handbags in HK. There is nothing else. Yacht, sport car, town car, holiday car, small plane is totally out of reach, so it becomes all about the bag.
Is that a sad thing? Bags are safer than those other forms of entertainment. We are just apes after all.
Really want to fly a kite all of a sudden. With someone. . . . :(
Is that a sad thing? Bags are safer than those other forms of entertainment. We are just apes after all.
Really want to fly a kite all of a sudden. With someone. . . . :(
Fate vs. Intent
I was going to do a post on what Chinese people want from the billboard advertising that I have taken all over the place. Satire. Then I realised, hey, I have all these things. Just not in China.
Day after day I sit here bitching about my life. Yesterday, upon conversing with a childhood friend that had basically the same fate as me since childhood, I realised that a lot of it is my own fault. He is a little older, just graduated in Electrical Engineering with honours, has a girlfriend that he's been with since high school and has just started work. At his dad's old place sure, but it pays alright correct?
So, the question is, what, am I doing here? Root finding? Am I serious about coming back? I thought I was. It makes sense no? I mean, if the world is globalising, then it is only a matter of time before the Indians and Chinese take over with their more concientious approach to work, the increased competition etc etc. The so-called "Asian Tigers" are already like that. Except not strong enough to really open trade barriers, so that their comparative advantage (human resource) can be really exploited. I just want to be well positioned when that happens. And plus, I have a desperation to fit in. Maybe he (childhood friend) can be happy being an observer in society, knowing that he can't really fit in, but trying to be happy with compassion and understanding, but it's not enough for me! I want to be understood! Not just looked upon as some kind of novelty that cares too much about politics and economics.
Went to Chiang Kai-Shek (蒋介石）old home of 溪口 (XiKou) today. So now I have seen his entire life history. Accidently. Ancestral home - career capital (dear 南京) - end of his life 台北. Really, really seriously, painfully regret sleeping in now. Wish I had seen his dead body. Aw. . . . . . :'( Now, I think a lot of opportunities has slipped past me like this. Another reason why I shouldn't bitch. His entire life was one of selfish pursuit of his own advancement. Quite like the one I had planned to lead before a bunch of things that were thrown my way made me confused. Is that such a bad life to lead? I mean, most people that are famous led lives like this. The philosophical ones, the ones that advised, had their heads chopped off when they got too smart for their own good.
Hm, he loved, lost, hated, sacrificed, was betrayed, was exiled. It was a good life. Plus I don't care about truth anymore. There is no truth in this world. There is no certainty. Not about the future, present, and definitely not the past.
I think Black Swan is screwing me over. At least it's not real philosophy.
Ok, revised life goal: I shall go on pursuing the good life in China, where I feel like I actually fit in. If I can't, I'll go back to the western world, become that asian sweet-faced cutt-throat bitch, hang around in NZ or Aus waiting for my change to get to US or UK, looking for ways to worm myself into b-school with sponsorship, then hop around until I kinda find a job (hopefully back in China) that is not too boring, well paid and looks like it's fairly stable.
Unfortunately, all this continent hopping kills my chances of a real relationship. Ok, this is going to be my next source of denial. Look for something real when I will probably have to settle for something fake.
Day after day I sit here bitching about my life. Yesterday, upon conversing with a childhood friend that had basically the same fate as me since childhood, I realised that a lot of it is my own fault. He is a little older, just graduated in Electrical Engineering with honours, has a girlfriend that he's been with since high school and has just started work. At his dad's old place sure, but it pays alright correct?
So, the question is, what, am I doing here? Root finding? Am I serious about coming back? I thought I was. It makes sense no? I mean, if the world is globalising, then it is only a matter of time before the Indians and Chinese take over with their more concientious approach to work, the increased competition etc etc. The so-called "Asian Tigers" are already like that. Except not strong enough to really open trade barriers, so that their comparative advantage (human resource) can be really exploited. I just want to be well positioned when that happens. And plus, I have a desperation to fit in. Maybe he (childhood friend) can be happy being an observer in society, knowing that he can't really fit in, but trying to be happy with compassion and understanding, but it's not enough for me! I want to be understood! Not just looked upon as some kind of novelty that cares too much about politics and economics.
Went to Chiang Kai-Shek (蒋介石）old home of 溪口 (XiKou) today. So now I have seen his entire life history. Accidently. Ancestral home - career capital (dear 南京) - end of his life 台北. Really, really seriously, painfully regret sleeping in now. Wish I had seen his dead body. Aw. . . . . . :'( Now, I think a lot of opportunities has slipped past me like this. Another reason why I shouldn't bitch. His entire life was one of selfish pursuit of his own advancement. Quite like the one I had planned to lead before a bunch of things that were thrown my way made me confused. Is that such a bad life to lead? I mean, most people that are famous led lives like this. The philosophical ones, the ones that advised, had their heads chopped off when they got too smart for their own good.
Hm, he loved, lost, hated, sacrificed, was betrayed, was exiled. It was a good life. Plus I don't care about truth anymore. There is no truth in this world. There is no certainty. Not about the future, present, and definitely not the past.
I think Black Swan is screwing me over. At least it's not real philosophy.
Ok, revised life goal: I shall go on pursuing the good life in China, where I feel like I actually fit in. If I can't, I'll go back to the western world, become that asian sweet-faced cutt-throat bitch, hang around in NZ or Aus waiting for my change to get to US or UK, looking for ways to worm myself into b-school with sponsorship, then hop around until I kinda find a job (hopefully back in China) that is not too boring, well paid and looks like it's fairly stable.
Unfortunately, all this continent hopping kills my chances of a real relationship. Ok, this is going to be my next source of denial. Look for something real when I will probably have to settle for something fake.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
Sigh. Future.
As much as one does not want to think about it, it keeps hitting one in the face doesn't it? I don't want to do grad school, but then, working life is horrible. But then, as I am newly reunited with Candide, without trials and tribulations, without struggles and overcoming them, without setting ourselves goals and falling flat in our attempts to reach them, life is not life but a mere illusion.
Now, that sounds a lot better than my usual common prose doesn't it? It's pointless though, I could have said the same in a lot less words but it would sound a lot less nice. Maybe I am suited for banking.
Sigh. I wanted, when I was younger, to conquer the world. Why? Because it sounded interesting. And a lot better sounding than the rest. I'm selfish, but am working on being less selfish.
Ok, tired of thinking about my future, I'll see how far I can go, and go to grad school if it's necessary. I choose a vocational degree with an equally vocational path. I think it is the right thing given my stupid personality. Plus, economics research may be futile due to politics, but, it has effects long after one is dead right? Look at Milton Friedman (he may have been the root of this financial mess, deregulation, the man had too little faith in the greed and destructive power of man). And Frederick von Hayek. Thanks to him, we had the beginnings of capitalism.
Actually, turning to a more intellectual discussion (yes, despite appearances, I am in fact capable of one), is this recent spate of financial mess really the beginning of a new era? Post great depression, the world turned one of the planned economy. Of nationalised industry, of subsidised, government supported national champions to further the national interest. Sowed the seeds of communist and capitalist divide, when people realised that nationalisation could make some men a lot of money at the taxpayers expense. So, in actual fact, the communists were purer. :-) They took longer to realise the fruits of capitalism. Sigh, how do you expect me to be pure when reality is like this? When we are being lied to everyday to further the interest of a few men (and fewer, women) in power? Obviously, the only way of escaping this lie is to climb! THAT is why I wanted to climb. And to do that, I need to verify my status in life my getting a post-grad degree from a top 10 institution. :@ 烦恼。
Now, that sounds a lot better than my usual common prose doesn't it? It's pointless though, I could have said the same in a lot less words but it would sound a lot less nice. Maybe I am suited for banking.
Sigh. I wanted, when I was younger, to conquer the world. Why? Because it sounded interesting. And a lot better sounding than the rest. I'm selfish, but am working on being less selfish.
Ok, tired of thinking about my future, I'll see how far I can go, and go to grad school if it's necessary. I choose a vocational degree with an equally vocational path. I think it is the right thing given my stupid personality. Plus, economics research may be futile due to politics, but, it has effects long after one is dead right? Look at Milton Friedman (he may have been the root of this financial mess, deregulation, the man had too little faith in the greed and destructive power of man). And Frederick von Hayek. Thanks to him, we had the beginnings of capitalism.
Actually, turning to a more intellectual discussion (yes, despite appearances, I am in fact capable of one), is this recent spate of financial mess really the beginning of a new era? Post great depression, the world turned one of the planned economy. Of nationalised industry, of subsidised, government supported national champions to further the national interest. Sowed the seeds of communist and capitalist divide, when people realised that nationalisation could make some men a lot of money at the taxpayers expense. So, in actual fact, the communists were purer. :-) They took longer to realise the fruits of capitalism. Sigh, how do you expect me to be pure when reality is like this? When we are being lied to everyday to further the interest of a few men (and fewer, women) in power? Obviously, the only way of escaping this lie is to climb! THAT is why I wanted to climb. And to do that, I need to verify my status in life my getting a post-grad degree from a top 10 institution. :@ 烦恼。
Sunday, 4 January 2009
2009
At the end of every year I like to reflect on my past, present and future. This year, I would like to think that there is no point dwelling on the past, the present cannot be other than what it is, and the future cannot be planned. But, maybe it is my woman's weakness, but I can't help but still think. And this is to help me collect my thoughts.
There are no big things in life, only a multitude of small things. Piled higher and deeper. Then before you realise, that is your life.
Many people think that I am one who loves life. What does that mean? I think that it is the greatest opportunity that anyone is ever given on this earth and that it is our duty to live it to the full. Same conclusion as most of the religions of this earth. And it took most of my teenage years to figure it out. When I could have just trusted holy texts and skipped all the philosophising. But alas, I am the kind of child that needs to burn her hand to be convinced that the stove is hot.
Been to Taiwan and back. Realised that I am dependent on Hong Kong. Or any big city. It is really a form of narcissism. All of marketing is based on one's self love. Therefore, a shopping experience, at it's greatest, is nothing more than a celebration of self. What does it really matter if we cannot reach our friends at a moment's notice? I will simply make the times that we have with them more cherished.
Am back home now. In one of the first places I remember. And now, since I have been without their warmth for so long in HK, I now realise how wonderful a thing family is. To have people that will care for you, that share the same habits, that will help you through the minutiae of life. First thing I got upon arrival: food. Second: 68% alcohol. To "help get me used to the cold". I couldn't down it. Which is a good thing. Shows that I am at peace.
I am further on the road about myself being stuck between two cultures. I am Chinese with Western characteristics so to speak. ;-) I can act like them, talk like them, perhaps even look like them, but deep inside, I will never be like them. I cannot treat sex like it's nothing special. I cannot get stone drunk every night. I can't spend everything I have to worry about the future in the future. I find it hard to screw people over. But that is not a purely western characteristic.
I think that maybe I am too pure for the world of business. I am like the girl with the gun in movies. I just can't pull the trigger and kill the son of a bitch. Is it possible to succeed and be nice at the same time? I would like to believe so. But I realise that it is twice as hard as succeeding by killing all your competitors.
It seems that all the way here, I am surrounded by children. In China, they are so rowdy. Is it a national trait? I want quiet kids. Quiet, polite kids. Ones that don't rouse a sleepy young girl midway throughout her flight. This then, gets me to thinking about my private life. Or lack thereof. I've told my friends that I have given up. I am looking for true love. But then, isn't everyone?
I shall live like a nun. And read. And think. And save money. And travel. And secure my future.
There are no big things in life, only a multitude of small things. Piled higher and deeper. Then before you realise, that is your life.
Many people think that I am one who loves life. What does that mean? I think that it is the greatest opportunity that anyone is ever given on this earth and that it is our duty to live it to the full. Same conclusion as most of the religions of this earth. And it took most of my teenage years to figure it out. When I could have just trusted holy texts and skipped all the philosophising. But alas, I am the kind of child that needs to burn her hand to be convinced that the stove is hot.
Been to Taiwan and back. Realised that I am dependent on Hong Kong. Or any big city. It is really a form of narcissism. All of marketing is based on one's self love. Therefore, a shopping experience, at it's greatest, is nothing more than a celebration of self. What does it really matter if we cannot reach our friends at a moment's notice? I will simply make the times that we have with them more cherished.
Am back home now. In one of the first places I remember. And now, since I have been without their warmth for so long in HK, I now realise how wonderful a thing family is. To have people that will care for you, that share the same habits, that will help you through the minutiae of life. First thing I got upon arrival: food. Second: 68% alcohol. To "help get me used to the cold". I couldn't down it. Which is a good thing. Shows that I am at peace.
I am further on the road about myself being stuck between two cultures. I am Chinese with Western characteristics so to speak. ;-) I can act like them, talk like them, perhaps even look like them, but deep inside, I will never be like them. I cannot treat sex like it's nothing special. I cannot get stone drunk every night. I can't spend everything I have to worry about the future in the future. I find it hard to screw people over. But that is not a purely western characteristic.
I think that maybe I am too pure for the world of business. I am like the girl with the gun in movies. I just can't pull the trigger and kill the son of a bitch. Is it possible to succeed and be nice at the same time? I would like to believe so. But I realise that it is twice as hard as succeeding by killing all your competitors.
It seems that all the way here, I am surrounded by children. In China, they are so rowdy. Is it a national trait? I want quiet kids. Quiet, polite kids. Ones that don't rouse a sleepy young girl midway throughout her flight. This then, gets me to thinking about my private life. Or lack thereof. I've told my friends that I have given up. I am looking for true love. But then, isn't everyone?
I shall live like a nun. And read. And think. And save money. And travel. And secure my future.
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