Talk, talk, talk.

I'm suffering from writer's block. Actually, it's more like a language block. It seems that as soon as my Chinese improves a little, and I think that I can speak fluently, my English then regresses, and I speak like an uneducated 12 year old. And then, as soon as my English reverts back to its flourishing self. . . . . Everything is hard.

Ten years.

It occurs to me, that, if I am serious about coming back to China, I need to learn Chinese. And not just learn, LEARN. Sigh. I'm setting myself a goal of 10 words per day. It's tough, but I need to be able to do it. . . . then assuming that I am able to fully stick to it, and, I actually remember, then, assuming that I already know 3,000 or so, in a year's time, I'll know enough to be considered literate. Add another year for all this to sink in, and by the time I graduate(end 2010), I should be fluent in Chinese. Is this merely wishful thinking? Hopefully not. I shall do my best. I mean, I'm smart right? I'm starting to think that that counts for less and less.

Oh, and the title? It takes 10 years for one to be a master at anything. How many do I have? around 4? 5? I mean, I would say that all my English skills I had at the age of 16 or 17. Thanks to Eng Lit. 10 years after I arrived in NZ. That is mad depressing. Waiting for my Chinese skills to mature cannot possibly take that long. I would say a lot of my education was wasted. So, 6 years? Time will tell I guess.

Am feeling more and more detached from my fellow PM mates. Don't care about going out clubbing anymore. Or fooding etc. Just want to travel the places I haven't been, read the stuff I've been assigned, and more if I have time, apply for interns etc. There isn't all that much time really. And I feel I should make the most of it instead of wasting it away. I think I've been doing OK at that so far.

Back! With trepidation.

At the airport, I bought a copy of Marcus Aurelius' Meditations. It's in both Chinese and English, so I can practise off it by reading one chapter and then the same chapter again. Perfect, since it's one of those books that one can always re-read and gain a deeper understanding. Apparently, 温家宝 has it next to his bedside table and has read it many times. Kind of like the Bible. I finally see why people swear by the Bible. It's nice to have something that one can just believe, without questioning, without skepticism, without looking for holes in the argument, as one must do with everything else, now that one is all grown up, and being like a naive young child is no longer acceptable. This of course, contradicts with my previous post, but I have not made up my mind fully. Thus, I am looking for guidance from an ancient roman emperor. Who I envision in the Hollywood version, as the benevolent one that freed Russel Crowe. :-)

Hong Kong is definitely different from the mainland. It is the land where my weekly food fees can send a mainland child to school for a month. A good school at that. Where I think nothing of paying 65HKD for a taxi fare that isn't even that far. And justify it to myself by converting to NZD, not the 10 meals or so that could have bought me across the border. All because of currency and capital flow controls for the good of the export economy, yes, but, it still feels just as unfair. I'm filled with goods guilt. I have sooooo much stuff. Ok, I've spent a lot of money, but not that much. It's mostly stuff I had sent over. Mostly.

I really want to shut myself out of this place and escape to other places when I have the chance. Pray that I get a good timetable.

Also, where are all the Asians in this place? Just when I have gotten used to Chinese culture, I seem surrounded by Europeans. My roommate seems to be a European too. But I have no idea. Mixed pictures.

人有三个要忘。

忘记年龄，忘记不愉的事，忘记伤痛。（可是最后的应该是对于感情的伤痛吧，有病该治。）在理发厅里听到的八卦理论。:-)

有的时候生活的噪音真的蛮烦的。可是还是要处理。

今天天气真好，清明，宽阔的蓝天。晚霞也很美。

买了一本《中国国家地理》。照片上那些遥远的景色，就像我小时候想象中的。好想去哦！可是需要更一些靠得住的人一起去。那些人在哪儿？找他们可难呢。

快看完Black Swan。给我启发。还是继续读下去。看点数学。我学数学的时候，心里总是有一个独特的安定感。从解出一难题取得一个幼稚的乐趣。不必在乎国家大事，自然的秘密什么。这是不是为什么很多孤独症的孩子喜爱数学？

还是躲在这个社会的避风港吧。忘记时间的流逝，忘记世上烦恼和伤痛。不要太快长大，在当几年小孩吧。

Finally Awoken.

I have realised that I am being very silly. Life is a constant struggle, and we must live through it. I'm still young, and I live in a very different era to my parents. They were made to believe that as long as they did whatever the country told them to, they would be provided for for the rest of their years. That is only in utopia, although my grandparents are living that life. In a way it is a kind of realisation of the goal of communism. To the select few, who dared to believe in the dream when it looked unachieveable. The early bird gets the worm. And for the first time, I have managed to awaken of my own violition before 10am. It means I have caught up on my sleep. It has only taken . . . gosh, who knows. I don't remember much of the between time in Ningbo.

Ok, just realised that today, not tomorrow is my last day in Nanjing before I come back 2 weeks later. :-) More significantly, RBS application is due tomorrow, and I have no cover letter. Back to work.

Damn I have a lot of free time.

This just out, ranking of top 200 jobs. Mathematician comes out top, and they earn decently.
http://www.careercast.com/jobs/content/JobsRated_10BestJobs

Am going into a conjoint degree when I get back for sure. Banking is good, but I can't be a banker for life. I like sleeping too much. I think I can take two years. And make a good job of it. Then sleep for a month, hopefully not slip into a coma or die, and then move into something else.

Actually, I think this is the reason why I'm so eager to throw away my future private life for a rewarding career. It's the area where my parents have traded away, for a good private life. Was it worth it? I would have no idea. Of course, I could never bring myself to live like that. Now.

I probably can't come back to Asia right now. Pay too low. Too much competition. Too corrupt. Too little chance of advancement. I need to be senior enough to be paid decently and afford a good standard of living if I were to come back here. Root finding is over.

What I need to do, is to find some good internship experience, and conditions permitting, work for 2 years or so, then go back and get a Masters (not MBA, too BS), and perhaps PhD at some prestigious institution of learning, then hopefully that will allow me to climb further. Or into HF. Plus, Chinese people look up to those, so management positions will probably open up too.

Swashbuckling entrepreneurship is not for this life. I'm too rich (ironically). I have too much to lose. I can't risk my family like that. :-( Again, fate and circumstance.

"The bag is the lifestyle"

This just occurred to me. In big cities, there is no space nor time for hobbies, so one pursues money and shopping. Thus, the obsession with designer handbags in HK. There is nothing else. Yacht, sport car, town car, holiday car, small plane is totally out of reach, so it becomes all about the bag.

Is that a sad thing? Bags are safer than those other forms of entertainment. We are just apes after all.


Really want to fly a kite all of a sudden. With someone. . . . :(