I have realised that I am being very silly. Life is a constant struggle, and we must live through it. I'm still young, and I live in a very different era to my parents. They were made to believe that as long as they did whatever the country told them to, they would be provided for for the rest of their years. That is only in utopia, although my grandparents are living that life. In a way it is a kind of realisation of the goal of communism. To the select few, who dared to believe in the dream when it looked unachieveable. The early bird gets the worm. And for the first time, I have managed to awaken of my own violition before 10am. It means I have caught up on my sleep. It has only taken . . . gosh, who knows. I don't remember much of the between time in Ningbo.
Ok, just realised that today, not tomorrow is my last day in Nanjing before I come back 2 weeks later. :-) More significantly, RBS application is due tomorrow, and I have no cover letter. Back to work.
Friday, 9 January 2009
Damn I have a lot of free time.
This just out, ranking of top 200 jobs. Mathematician comes out top, and they earn decently.
http://www.careercast.com/jobs/content/JobsRated_10BestJobs
Am going into a conjoint degree when I get back for sure. Banking is good, but I can't be a banker for life. I like sleeping too much. I think I can take two years. And make a good job of it. Then sleep for a month, hopefully not slip into a coma or die, and then move into something else.
Actually, I think this is the reason why I'm so eager to throw away my future private life for a rewarding career. It's the area where my parents have traded away, for a good private life. Was it worth it? I would have no idea. Of course, I could never bring myself to live like that. Now.
I probably can't come back to Asia right now. Pay too low. Too much competition. Too corrupt. Too little chance of advancement. I need to be senior enough to be paid decently and afford a good standard of living if I were to come back here. Root finding is over.
What I need to do, is to find some good internship experience, and conditions permitting, work for 2 years or so, then go back and get a Masters (not MBA, too BS), and perhaps PhD at some prestigious institution of learning, then hopefully that will allow me to climb further. Or into HF. Plus, Chinese people look up to those, so management positions will probably open up too.
Swashbuckling entrepreneurship is not for this life. I'm too rich (ironically). I have too much to lose. I can't risk my family like that. :-( Again, fate and circumstance.
http://www.careercast.com/jobs/content/JobsRated_10BestJobs
Am going into a conjoint degree when I get back for sure. Banking is good, but I can't be a banker for life. I like sleeping too much. I think I can take two years. And make a good job of it. Then sleep for a month, hopefully not slip into a coma or die, and then move into something else.
Actually, I think this is the reason why I'm so eager to throw away my future private life for a rewarding career. It's the area where my parents have traded away, for a good private life. Was it worth it? I would have no idea. Of course, I could never bring myself to live like that. Now.
I probably can't come back to Asia right now. Pay too low. Too much competition. Too corrupt. Too little chance of advancement. I need to be senior enough to be paid decently and afford a good standard of living if I were to come back here. Root finding is over.
What I need to do, is to find some good internship experience, and conditions permitting, work for 2 years or so, then go back and get a Masters (not MBA, too BS), and perhaps PhD at some prestigious institution of learning, then hopefully that will allow me to climb further. Or into HF. Plus, Chinese people look up to those, so management positions will probably open up too.
Swashbuckling entrepreneurship is not for this life. I'm too rich (ironically). I have too much to lose. I can't risk my family like that. :-( Again, fate and circumstance.
Thursday, 8 January 2009
"The bag is the lifestyle"
This just occurred to me. In big cities, there is no space nor time for hobbies, so one pursues money and shopping. Thus, the obsession with designer handbags in HK. There is nothing else. Yacht, sport car, town car, holiday car, small plane is totally out of reach, so it becomes all about the bag.
Is that a sad thing? Bags are safer than those other forms of entertainment. We are just apes after all.
Really want to fly a kite all of a sudden. With someone. . . . :(
Is that a sad thing? Bags are safer than those other forms of entertainment. We are just apes after all.
Really want to fly a kite all of a sudden. With someone. . . . :(
Fate vs. Intent
I was going to do a post on what Chinese people want from the billboard advertising that I have taken all over the place. Satire. Then I realised, hey, I have all these things. Just not in China.
Day after day I sit here bitching about my life. Yesterday, upon conversing with a childhood friend that had basically the same fate as me since childhood, I realised that a lot of it is my own fault. He is a little older, just graduated in Electrical Engineering with honours, has a girlfriend that he's been with since high school and has just started work. At his dad's old place sure, but it pays alright correct?
So, the question is, what, am I doing here? Root finding? Am I serious about coming back? I thought I was. It makes sense no? I mean, if the world is globalising, then it is only a matter of time before the Indians and Chinese take over with their more concientious approach to work, the increased competition etc etc. The so-called "Asian Tigers" are already like that. Except not strong enough to really open trade barriers, so that their comparative advantage (human resource) can be really exploited. I just want to be well positioned when that happens. And plus, I have a desperation to fit in. Maybe he (childhood friend) can be happy being an observer in society, knowing that he can't really fit in, but trying to be happy with compassion and understanding, but it's not enough for me! I want to be understood! Not just looked upon as some kind of novelty that cares too much about politics and economics.
Went to Chiang Kai-Shek (蒋介石）old home of 溪口 (XiKou) today. So now I have seen his entire life history. Accidently. Ancestral home - career capital (dear 南京) - end of his life 台北. Really, really seriously, painfully regret sleeping in now. Wish I had seen his dead body. Aw. . . . . . :'( Now, I think a lot of opportunities has slipped past me like this. Another reason why I shouldn't bitch. His entire life was one of selfish pursuit of his own advancement. Quite like the one I had planned to lead before a bunch of things that were thrown my way made me confused. Is that such a bad life to lead? I mean, most people that are famous led lives like this. The philosophical ones, the ones that advised, had their heads chopped off when they got too smart for their own good.
Hm, he loved, lost, hated, sacrificed, was betrayed, was exiled. It was a good life. Plus I don't care about truth anymore. There is no truth in this world. There is no certainty. Not about the future, present, and definitely not the past.
I think Black Swan is screwing me over. At least it's not real philosophy.
Ok, revised life goal: I shall go on pursuing the good life in China, where I feel like I actually fit in. If I can't, I'll go back to the western world, become that asian sweet-faced cutt-throat bitch, hang around in NZ or Aus waiting for my change to get to US or UK, looking for ways to worm myself into b-school with sponsorship, then hop around until I kinda find a job (hopefully back in China) that is not too boring, well paid and looks like it's fairly stable.
Unfortunately, all this continent hopping kills my chances of a real relationship. Ok, this is going to be my next source of denial. Look for something real when I will probably have to settle for something fake.
Day after day I sit here bitching about my life. Yesterday, upon conversing with a childhood friend that had basically the same fate as me since childhood, I realised that a lot of it is my own fault. He is a little older, just graduated in Electrical Engineering with honours, has a girlfriend that he's been with since high school and has just started work. At his dad's old place sure, but it pays alright correct?
So, the question is, what, am I doing here? Root finding? Am I serious about coming back? I thought I was. It makes sense no? I mean, if the world is globalising, then it is only a matter of time before the Indians and Chinese take over with their more concientious approach to work, the increased competition etc etc. The so-called "Asian Tigers" are already like that. Except not strong enough to really open trade barriers, so that their comparative advantage (human resource) can be really exploited. I just want to be well positioned when that happens. And plus, I have a desperation to fit in. Maybe he (childhood friend) can be happy being an observer in society, knowing that he can't really fit in, but trying to be happy with compassion and understanding, but it's not enough for me! I want to be understood! Not just looked upon as some kind of novelty that cares too much about politics and economics.
Went to Chiang Kai-Shek (蒋介石）old home of 溪口 (XiKou) today. So now I have seen his entire life history. Accidently. Ancestral home - career capital (dear 南京) - end of his life 台北. Really, really seriously, painfully regret sleeping in now. Wish I had seen his dead body. Aw. . . . . . :'( Now, I think a lot of opportunities has slipped past me like this. Another reason why I shouldn't bitch. His entire life was one of selfish pursuit of his own advancement. Quite like the one I had planned to lead before a bunch of things that were thrown my way made me confused. Is that such a bad life to lead? I mean, most people that are famous led lives like this. The philosophical ones, the ones that advised, had their heads chopped off when they got too smart for their own good.
Hm, he loved, lost, hated, sacrificed, was betrayed, was exiled. It was a good life. Plus I don't care about truth anymore. There is no truth in this world. There is no certainty. Not about the future, present, and definitely not the past.
I think Black Swan is screwing me over. At least it's not real philosophy.
Ok, revised life goal: I shall go on pursuing the good life in China, where I feel like I actually fit in. If I can't, I'll go back to the western world, become that asian sweet-faced cutt-throat bitch, hang around in NZ or Aus waiting for my change to get to US or UK, looking for ways to worm myself into b-school with sponsorship, then hop around until I kinda find a job (hopefully back in China) that is not too boring, well paid and looks like it's fairly stable.
Unfortunately, all this continent hopping kills my chances of a real relationship. Ok, this is going to be my next source of denial. Look for something real when I will probably have to settle for something fake.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
Sigh. Future.
As much as one does not want to think about it, it keeps hitting one in the face doesn't it? I don't want to do grad school, but then, working life is horrible. But then, as I am newly reunited with Candide, without trials and tribulations, without struggles and overcoming them, without setting ourselves goals and falling flat in our attempts to reach them, life is not life but a mere illusion.
Now, that sounds a lot better than my usual common prose doesn't it? It's pointless though, I could have said the same in a lot less words but it would sound a lot less nice. Maybe I am suited for banking.
Sigh. I wanted, when I was younger, to conquer the world. Why? Because it sounded interesting. And a lot better sounding than the rest. I'm selfish, but am working on being less selfish.
Ok, tired of thinking about my future, I'll see how far I can go, and go to grad school if it's necessary. I choose a vocational degree with an equally vocational path. I think it is the right thing given my stupid personality. Plus, economics research may be futile due to politics, but, it has effects long after one is dead right? Look at Milton Friedman (he may have been the root of this financial mess, deregulation, the man had too little faith in the greed and destructive power of man). And Frederick von Hayek. Thanks to him, we had the beginnings of capitalism.
Actually, turning to a more intellectual discussion (yes, despite appearances, I am in fact capable of one), is this recent spate of financial mess really the beginning of a new era? Post great depression, the world turned one of the planned economy. Of nationalised industry, of subsidised, government supported national champions to further the national interest. Sowed the seeds of communist and capitalist divide, when people realised that nationalisation could make some men a lot of money at the taxpayers expense. So, in actual fact, the communists were purer. :-) They took longer to realise the fruits of capitalism. Sigh, how do you expect me to be pure when reality is like this? When we are being lied to everyday to further the interest of a few men (and fewer, women) in power? Obviously, the only way of escaping this lie is to climb! THAT is why I wanted to climb. And to do that, I need to verify my status in life my getting a post-grad degree from a top 10 institution. :@ 烦恼。
Now, that sounds a lot better than my usual common prose doesn't it? It's pointless though, I could have said the same in a lot less words but it would sound a lot less nice. Maybe I am suited for banking.
Sigh. I wanted, when I was younger, to conquer the world. Why? Because it sounded interesting. And a lot better sounding than the rest. I'm selfish, but am working on being less selfish.
Ok, tired of thinking about my future, I'll see how far I can go, and go to grad school if it's necessary. I choose a vocational degree with an equally vocational path. I think it is the right thing given my stupid personality. Plus, economics research may be futile due to politics, but, it has effects long after one is dead right? Look at Milton Friedman (he may have been the root of this financial mess, deregulation, the man had too little faith in the greed and destructive power of man). And Frederick von Hayek. Thanks to him, we had the beginnings of capitalism.
Actually, turning to a more intellectual discussion (yes, despite appearances, I am in fact capable of one), is this recent spate of financial mess really the beginning of a new era? Post great depression, the world turned one of the planned economy. Of nationalised industry, of subsidised, government supported national champions to further the national interest. Sowed the seeds of communist and capitalist divide, when people realised that nationalisation could make some men a lot of money at the taxpayers expense. So, in actual fact, the communists were purer. :-) They took longer to realise the fruits of capitalism. Sigh, how do you expect me to be pure when reality is like this? When we are being lied to everyday to further the interest of a few men (and fewer, women) in power? Obviously, the only way of escaping this lie is to climb! THAT is why I wanted to climb. And to do that, I need to verify my status in life my getting a post-grad degree from a top 10 institution. :@ 烦恼。
Sunday, 4 January 2009
2009
At the end of every year I like to reflect on my past, present and future. This year, I would like to think that there is no point dwelling on the past, the present cannot be other than what it is, and the future cannot be planned. But, maybe it is my woman's weakness, but I can't help but still think. And this is to help me collect my thoughts.
There are no big things in life, only a multitude of small things. Piled higher and deeper. Then before you realise, that is your life.
Many people think that I am one who loves life. What does that mean? I think that it is the greatest opportunity that anyone is ever given on this earth and that it is our duty to live it to the full. Same conclusion as most of the religions of this earth. And it took most of my teenage years to figure it out. When I could have just trusted holy texts and skipped all the philosophising. But alas, I am the kind of child that needs to burn her hand to be convinced that the stove is hot.
Been to Taiwan and back. Realised that I am dependent on Hong Kong. Or any big city. It is really a form of narcissism. All of marketing is based on one's self love. Therefore, a shopping experience, at it's greatest, is nothing more than a celebration of self. What does it really matter if we cannot reach our friends at a moment's notice? I will simply make the times that we have with them more cherished.
Am back home now. In one of the first places I remember. And now, since I have been without their warmth for so long in HK, I now realise how wonderful a thing family is. To have people that will care for you, that share the same habits, that will help you through the minutiae of life. First thing I got upon arrival: food. Second: 68% alcohol. To "help get me used to the cold". I couldn't down it. Which is a good thing. Shows that I am at peace.
I am further on the road about myself being stuck between two cultures. I am Chinese with Western characteristics so to speak. ;-) I can act like them, talk like them, perhaps even look like them, but deep inside, I will never be like them. I cannot treat sex like it's nothing special. I cannot get stone drunk every night. I can't spend everything I have to worry about the future in the future. I find it hard to screw people over. But that is not a purely western characteristic.
I think that maybe I am too pure for the world of business. I am like the girl with the gun in movies. I just can't pull the trigger and kill the son of a bitch. Is it possible to succeed and be nice at the same time? I would like to believe so. But I realise that it is twice as hard as succeeding by killing all your competitors.
It seems that all the way here, I am surrounded by children. In China, they are so rowdy. Is it a national trait? I want quiet kids. Quiet, polite kids. Ones that don't rouse a sleepy young girl midway throughout her flight. This then, gets me to thinking about my private life. Or lack thereof. I've told my friends that I have given up. I am looking for true love. But then, isn't everyone?
I shall live like a nun. And read. And think. And save money. And travel. And secure my future.
There are no big things in life, only a multitude of small things. Piled higher and deeper. Then before you realise, that is your life.
Many people think that I am one who loves life. What does that mean? I think that it is the greatest opportunity that anyone is ever given on this earth and that it is our duty to live it to the full. Same conclusion as most of the religions of this earth. And it took most of my teenage years to figure it out. When I could have just trusted holy texts and skipped all the philosophising. But alas, I am the kind of child that needs to burn her hand to be convinced that the stove is hot.
Been to Taiwan and back. Realised that I am dependent on Hong Kong. Or any big city. It is really a form of narcissism. All of marketing is based on one's self love. Therefore, a shopping experience, at it's greatest, is nothing more than a celebration of self. What does it really matter if we cannot reach our friends at a moment's notice? I will simply make the times that we have with them more cherished.
Am back home now. In one of the first places I remember. And now, since I have been without their warmth for so long in HK, I now realise how wonderful a thing family is. To have people that will care for you, that share the same habits, that will help you through the minutiae of life. First thing I got upon arrival: food. Second: 68% alcohol. To "help get me used to the cold". I couldn't down it. Which is a good thing. Shows that I am at peace.
I am further on the road about myself being stuck between two cultures. I am Chinese with Western characteristics so to speak. ;-) I can act like them, talk like them, perhaps even look like them, but deep inside, I will never be like them. I cannot treat sex like it's nothing special. I cannot get stone drunk every night. I can't spend everything I have to worry about the future in the future. I find it hard to screw people over. But that is not a purely western characteristic.
I think that maybe I am too pure for the world of business. I am like the girl with the gun in movies. I just can't pull the trigger and kill the son of a bitch. Is it possible to succeed and be nice at the same time? I would like to believe so. But I realise that it is twice as hard as succeeding by killing all your competitors.
It seems that all the way here, I am surrounded by children. In China, they are so rowdy. Is it a national trait? I want quiet kids. Quiet, polite kids. Ones that don't rouse a sleepy young girl midway throughout her flight. This then, gets me to thinking about my private life. Or lack thereof. I've told my friends that I have given up. I am looking for true love. But then, isn't everyone?
I shall live like a nun. And read. And think. And save money. And travel. And secure my future.
Monday, 24 November 2008
Do we ever know what we want?
This stemmed from my breakfast order this morning.
The decisions I made from my coffee-less state were as follows:
1. I'm going to try something new. What is this chicken steak thing?
2. Well, I hate the ham, and I really want some bacon, so lets get chicken steak with bacon
3. Double egg is high cholestrol anyway, and I'm newly on a diet correct?
4. This canteen place depresses me, I'm gonna takeout and eat outside
Then I subsequently went up to the counter and placed my order for chicken steak with ham in chinese. Just shows how shit my language skills are. I seriously need to devote more time to my chinese readings. But there is no time!!! I spent all of yesterday looking for some data for my forecasting assignment. Went from hedge funds to BDI to trade stats(any trade stats that are asia related) and then, at the very last minute, after I had searched just about every database that was available to me and was contemplating whether or not I should call someone to ask them if they can search some databases that are not open to me, I found some good hedge fund data. So now, I'm back a full circle. I'm exhausted. I can't even bring myself to look at the data that I spent so much time searching for. I think I'll take a break for today. Study some monetary econ. Doesn't help that I'm skipping class right now I admit.
Oh yea, and we got 100% in Derivatives assignment!! Ok, so it was easy and the average was not far off that, but still. . . I'm proud of myself. Still have my quant hedge fund dreams intact. Isn't that so sad? I need grad verification for what I want.
Back to original topic then. Well, as I sat in these beautiful surroundings (I am desperate for anything green, you have no idea how much I miss Albert Park, or the bit outside OGH or even the balcony of OGG (oh I miss OGG)), eating my disgusting brekkie (fatty chicken with processed ham and disgusting white bread, no wonder why I'm gaining weight, not one of those things are low GI). As I ate more of it, it started getting better. "We can't always get what we want, but if we try sometime we get what we need". Rolling Stones. Correct la. So, actually, what we want is not important. Econonomics 101 right? Unlimited wants, limited supply. So in actual fact, we should focus on what we need. Makes for much healthier living really.
I am not going to pay more attention to that sometimes subtle distinction. Do I need that drink? Do I need that book? Do I need that top? If I simply want it, perhaps I should give it a pass.
Hm....I'll try it and see how it goes. Of course, this may of course just be some mental prep for my just starting diet. Sigh. It's hard being a girl. I suppose guys are no better. In HK they have to make a few million to get a decent girl. I have it better then, from that perspective.
The decisions I made from my coffee-less state were as follows:
1. I'm going to try something new. What is this chicken steak thing?
2. Well, I hate the ham, and I really want some bacon, so lets get chicken steak with bacon
3. Double egg is high cholestrol anyway, and I'm newly on a diet correct?
4. This canteen place depresses me, I'm gonna takeout and eat outside
Then I subsequently went up to the counter and placed my order for chicken steak with ham in chinese. Just shows how shit my language skills are. I seriously need to devote more time to my chinese readings. But there is no time!!! I spent all of yesterday looking for some data for my forecasting assignment. Went from hedge funds to BDI to trade stats(any trade stats that are asia related) and then, at the very last minute, after I had searched just about every database that was available to me and was contemplating whether or not I should call someone to ask them if they can search some databases that are not open to me, I found some good hedge fund data. So now, I'm back a full circle. I'm exhausted. I can't even bring myself to look at the data that I spent so much time searching for. I think I'll take a break for today. Study some monetary econ. Doesn't help that I'm skipping class right now I admit.
Oh yea, and we got 100% in Derivatives assignment!! Ok, so it was easy and the average was not far off that, but still. . . I'm proud of myself. Still have my quant hedge fund dreams intact. Isn't that so sad? I need grad verification for what I want.
Back to original topic then. Well, as I sat in these beautiful surroundings (I am desperate for anything green, you have no idea how much I miss Albert Park, or the bit outside OGH or even the balcony of OGG (oh I miss OGG)), eating my disgusting brekkie (fatty chicken with processed ham and disgusting white bread, no wonder why I'm gaining weight, not one of those things are low GI). As I ate more of it, it started getting better. "We can't always get what we want, but if we try sometime we get what we need". Rolling Stones. Correct la. So, actually, what we want is not important. Econonomics 101 right? Unlimited wants, limited supply. So in actual fact, we should focus on what we need. Makes for much healthier living really.
I am not going to pay more attention to that sometimes subtle distinction. Do I need that drink? Do I need that book? Do I need that top? If I simply want it, perhaps I should give it a pass.
Hm....I'll try it and see how it goes. Of course, this may of course just be some mental prep for my just starting diet. Sigh. It's hard being a girl. I suppose guys are no better. In HK they have to make a few million to get a decent girl. I have it better then, from that perspective.
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