Fate vs. Intent

I was going to do a post on what Chinese people want from the billboard advertising that I have taken all over the place. Satire. Then I realised, hey, I have all these things. Just not in China.

Day after day I sit here bitching about my life. Yesterday, upon conversing with a childhood friend that had basically the same fate as me since childhood, I realised that a lot of it is my own fault. He is a little older, just graduated in Electrical Engineering with honours, has a girlfriend that he's been with since high school and has just started work. At his dad's old place sure, but it pays alright correct?

So, the question is, what, am I doing here? Root finding? Am I serious about coming back? I thought I was. It makes sense no? I mean, if the world is globalising, then it is only a matter of time before the Indians and Chinese take over with their more concientious approach to work, the increased competition etc etc. The so-called "Asian Tigers" are already like that. Except not strong enough to really open trade barriers, so that their comparative advantage (human resource) can be really exploited. I just want to be well positioned when that happens. And plus, I have a desperation to fit in. Maybe he (childhood friend) can be happy being an observer in society, knowing that he can't really fit in, but trying to be happy with compassion and understanding, but it's not enough for me! I want to be understood! Not just looked upon as some kind of novelty that cares too much about politics and economics.

Went to Chiang Kai-Shek (蒋介石）old home of 溪口 (XiKou) today. So now I have seen his entire life history. Accidently. Ancestral home - career capital (dear 南京) - end of his life 台北. Really, really seriously, painfully regret sleeping in now. Wish I had seen his dead body. Aw. . . . . . :'( Now, I think a lot of opportunities has slipped past me like this. Another reason why I shouldn't bitch. His entire life was one of selfish pursuit of his own advancement. Quite like the one I had planned to lead before a bunch of things that were thrown my way made me confused. Is that such a bad life to lead? I mean, most people that are famous led lives like this. The philosophical ones, the ones that advised, had their heads chopped off when they got too smart for their own good.

Hm, he loved, lost, hated, sacrificed, was betrayed, was exiled. It was a good life. Plus I don't care about truth anymore. There is no truth in this world. There is no certainty. Not about the future, present, and definitely not the past.

I think Black Swan is screwing me over. At least it's not real philosophy.

Ok, revised life goal: I shall go on pursuing the good life in China, where I feel like I actually fit in. If I can't, I'll go back to the western world, become that asian sweet-faced cutt-throat bitch, hang around in NZ or Aus waiting for my change to get to US or UK, looking for ways to worm myself into b-school with sponsorship, then hop around until I kinda find a job (hopefully back in China) that is not too boring, well paid and looks like it's fairly stable.

Unfortunately, all this continent hopping kills my chances of a real relationship. Ok, this is going to be my next source of denial. Look for something real when I will probably have to settle for something fake.

Sigh. Future.

As much as one does not want to think about it, it keeps hitting one in the face doesn't it? I don't want to do grad school, but then, working life is horrible. But then, as I am newly reunited with Candide, without trials and tribulations, without struggles and overcoming them, without setting ourselves goals and falling flat in our attempts to reach them, life is not life but a mere illusion.

Now, that sounds a lot better than my usual common prose doesn't it? It's pointless though, I could have said the same in a lot less words but it would sound a lot less nice. Maybe I am suited for banking.

Sigh. I wanted, when I was younger, to conquer the world. Why? Because it sounded interesting. And a lot better sounding than the rest. I'm selfish, but am working on being less selfish.

Ok, tired of thinking about my future, I'll see how far I can go, and go to grad school if it's necessary. I choose a vocational degree with an equally vocational path. I think it is the right thing given my stupid personality. Plus, economics research may be futile due to politics, but, it has effects long after one is dead right? Look at Milton Friedman (he may have been the root of this financial mess, deregulation, the man had too little faith in the greed and destructive power of man). And Frederick von Hayek. Thanks to him, we had the beginnings of capitalism.

Actually, turning to a more intellectual discussion (yes, despite appearances, I am in fact capable of one), is this recent spate of financial mess really the beginning of a new era? Post great depression, the world turned one of the planned economy. Of nationalised industry, of subsidised, government supported national champions to further the national interest. Sowed the seeds of communist and capitalist divide, when people realised that nationalisation could make some men a lot of money at the taxpayers expense. So, in actual fact, the communists were purer. :-) They took longer to realise the fruits of capitalism. Sigh, how do you expect me to be pure when reality is like this? When we are being lied to everyday to further the interest of a few men (and fewer, women) in power? Obviously, the only way of escaping this lie is to climb! THAT is why I wanted to climb. And to do that, I need to verify my status in life my getting a post-grad degree from a top 10 institution. :@ 烦恼。

2009

At the end of every year I like to reflect on my past, present and future. This year, I would like to think that there is no point dwelling on the past, the present cannot be other than what it is, and the future cannot be planned. But, maybe it is my woman's weakness, but I can't help but still think. And this is to help me collect my thoughts.

There are no big things in life, only a multitude of small things. Piled higher and deeper. Then before you realise, that is your life.

Many people think that I am one who loves life. What does that mean? I think that it is the greatest opportunity that anyone is ever given on this earth and that it is our duty to live it to the full. Same conclusion as most of the religions of this earth. And it took most of my teenage years to figure it out. When I could have just trusted holy texts and skipped all the philosophising. But alas, I am the kind of child that needs to burn her hand to be convinced that the stove is hot.

Been to Taiwan and back. Realised that I am dependent on Hong Kong. Or any big city. It is really a form of narcissism. All of marketing is based on one's self love. Therefore, a shopping experience, at it's greatest, is nothing more than a celebration of self. What does it really matter if we cannot reach our friends at a moment's notice? I will simply make the times that we have with them more cherished.

Am back home now. In one of the first places I remember. And now, since I have been without their warmth for so long in HK, I now realise how wonderful a thing family is. To have people that will care for you, that share the same habits, that will help you through the minutiae of life. First thing I got upon arrival: food. Second: 68% alcohol. To "help get me used to the cold". I couldn't down it. Which is a good thing. Shows that I am at peace.

I am further on the road about myself being stuck between two cultures. I am Chinese with Western characteristics so to speak. ;-) I can act like them, talk like them, perhaps even look like them, but deep inside, I will never be like them. I cannot treat sex like it's nothing special. I cannot get stone drunk every night. I can't spend everything I have to worry about the future in the future. I find it hard to screw people over. But that is not a purely western characteristic.

I think that maybe I am too pure for the world of business. I am like the girl with the gun in movies. I just can't pull the trigger and kill the son of a bitch. Is it possible to succeed and be nice at the same time? I would like to believe so. But I realise that it is twice as hard as succeeding by killing all your competitors.

It seems that all the way here, I am surrounded by children. In China, they are so rowdy. Is it a national trait? I want quiet kids. Quiet, polite kids. Ones that don't rouse a sleepy young girl midway throughout her flight. This then, gets me to thinking about my private life. Or lack thereof. I've told my friends that I have given up. I am looking for true love. But then, isn't everyone?

I shall live like a nun. And read. And think. And save money. And travel. And secure my future.

Do we ever know what we want?

This stemmed from my breakfast order this morning.
The decisions I made from my coffee-less state were as follows:
1. I'm going to try something new. What is this chicken steak thing?
2. Well, I hate the ham, and I really want some bacon, so lets get chicken steak with bacon
3. Double egg is high cholestrol anyway, and I'm newly on a diet correct?
4. This canteen place depresses me, I'm gonna takeout and eat outside

Then I subsequently went up to the counter and placed my order for chicken steak with ham in chinese. Just shows how shit my language skills are. I seriously need to devote more time to my chinese readings. But there is no time!!! I spent all of yesterday looking for some data for my forecasting assignment. Went from hedge funds to BDI to trade stats(any trade stats that are asia related) and then, at the very last minute, after I had searched just about every database that was available to me and was contemplating whether or not I should call someone to ask them if they can search some databases that are not open to me, I found some good hedge fund data. So now, I'm back a full circle. I'm exhausted. I can't even bring myself to look at the data that I spent so much time searching for. I think I'll take a break for today. Study some monetary econ. Doesn't help that I'm skipping class right now I admit.

Oh yea, and we got 100% in Derivatives assignment!! Ok, so it was easy and the average was not far off that, but still. . . I'm proud of myself. Still have my quant hedge fund dreams intact. Isn't that so sad? I need grad verification for what I want.

Back to original topic then. Well, as I sat in these beautiful surroundings (I am desperate for anything green, you have no idea how much I miss Albert Park, or the bit outside OGH or even the balcony of OGG (oh I miss OGG)), eating my disgusting brekkie (fatty chicken with processed ham and disgusting white bread, no wonder why I'm gaining weight, not one of those things are low GI). As I ate more of it, it started getting better. "We can't always get what we want, but if we try sometime we get what we need". Rolling Stones. Correct la. So, actually, what we want is not important. Econonomics 101 right? Unlimited wants, limited supply. So in actual fact, we should focus on what we need. Makes for much healthier living really.

I am not going to pay more attention to that sometimes subtle distinction. Do I need that drink? Do I need that book? Do I need that top? If I simply want it, perhaps I should give it a pass.

Hm....I'll try it and see how it goes. Of course, this may of course just be some mental prep for my just starting diet. Sigh. It's hard being a girl. I suppose guys are no better. In HK they have to make a few million to get a decent girl. I have it better then, from that perspective.

Being fat in HK

To my utter shock, I am considered fat in HK. I'm not even depressed. I'm keeping the body. Makes me special. And plus, I'm becoming fond of the curves. It's who I am. And of course, you can't make me stop eating. That would make me depressed.

Plus, I don't have to be pretty. It's not necessary for me to have enough resources to live the life I need. I don't have a comparative advantage in that department anyway. I'm smarter than I am pretty.  On the normal distribution.

But I have found out that apparently 80-85% of all girls in HK all plan to marry a rich guy. Or hopes to. Or is trying to look prettier so they can do so. Isn't that sick? And no offense, but the guys fuel it! I mean, it's my own problem if I'm. . . bigger than the average HKie girl right? How is it their business to tell me to lose weight to improve my chances? Ok, that is very western way of thinking. It's not just the HKies, my parents and family do it to me as well. They are just trying to be nice so that I can have it all. Rich boy. Tick. Good job. Tick. Life perfect. Tick.  Bullshit way of living. Tick. 

Money is not an object. It's a medium of exchange, medium of account and store of value (good one these days, deflation la). What does it really matter how much money one has? Actually, I saw a documentary today off the internet. Called "Young and Restless in China". Link:(http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/youngchina/)

A theme in the doco is that there is a spiritual hole in China. One that is currently filled on materialism. I think that we are seeing that come apart right before our eyes. The Chinese will start turning to find more meaning in life very soon. And that can be dangerous. I think the CCP have the maturity and are pragmatic enough to know that they cannot fight this, and must work with it to give the people more human rights and freedom, at the cost of growth. I really don't think it would get ugly, but there is a great potential. If it was any other country than the one that I primarily identify with, I would say that there is definitely going to be violence and unrest, but I have faith in the CCP. Naive? Perhaps. Blind? Admittedly probably. But that's my view. 

On a smaller level, the rapper guy commented that girls in China don't believe in love anymore. Only money. So sad. I for one still believe in love. Didn't use to actually. This is a more recent belief. 

Money is after all, a recent thing. It's evil. I finally said it. Wouldn't be bad to just live on the land. OK, I would never survive, both physically and mentally, but at least I can empathise more now. There is something in us right? Some primal thing. We haven't quite evolved to city life. 

All of a sudden, I miss NZ more. I wish they sky wasn't grey. I wish I could see Milford Sound again. I wish I could go to a beach and see no people, with pristine sands, fruits of the sea, and a waterfall behind me that I can drink out of. Actually, just being in a bush with the sound of no human. Still and calm. I've tried to decrease the amount of information that I come in contact with every day as a result of this. Everything is just getting too cluttered. I need to somehow distill the important things out. There are not many important things.

Thoughts

Went hiking today. With the MBA people. Had a good time running around, joked around etc. 

Had a fun talk with instructor about HK girls. Stemmed from my continious eating. And "bye bye fat" (aka underarm fat). All the Hongkie chicks seem to care about is being pretty and marrying a rich man. I thought of doing that, but realised that it was too high risk, with no chance of diversification. On the other hand, the skills you gain are pretty transferable. More than being a trader anyway. But I'm not aiming for that anymore.  

Isn't that sad? I mean, eating is one of the things I derive the most pleasure from. I get really depressed if I don't eat. I found that travelling by myself through Borneo. I was pissed off at them, and a little scared and worried as I had no idea about where to go expect that one name of the village of where I was heading to, but I was really happy most of the way, except when I was hungry. I like the small things in life.

On the subject of transferability of skills, I have finally figured out that it is very important to gain transferable skills. Actually, that's the problem with engineering. You may learn a lot, but it is oh so specialised. I mean, a chemical engineer would find it hard to be anything other than a chemical engineer. Barring chemical engineering lecturer, reseacher etc.  Whereas lawyer, what you mostly gain is critical thinking and speaking skills. Can go into role in management, politics, journalism, blogging, TV . . . . This, inevitably got me to thinking about me.  Math and Compsci skills are transferable. Accounting skills are transferable (not as much as the others though). Most of all, language skills are transferrable. My next focus then.

What is not that transferable? Finance. Economics. I mean, I admire that Econ give you a new way of looking at things, but to be serious, it's more of a philosophy than anything else isn't it? It's ridiculous to think that one can REALLY do a cost-benefit analysis. I mean, you give me your desired outcome, I give you a report. Possibly to argue it either way. And a third way if you shall so desire.  Finance is just bs in a financial way. And the math skills cannot really be attributed to finance, math is math. I suppose it's a inter-disciplinary area of study. Actually, can it really be called a subject? Can business really be termed as an academic subject? Actually, my friend is probably very correct in that it is a vocational subject. So in actual fact, what business schools really should be teaching their graduates is how to think so that they make the correct decision in the correct situation. Now that's a difficult to teach. I'm not sure b-schools even try. 

Isn't it also funny about first impressions? Don't judge a book by its cover. Once again found proof if this fact. 

Mad need sleep. But I'm getting much much better at not sleeping. I've done about 6 hrs in last two nights. That's three days. Today's the third night. 

Night!

Decision making at the margin

I have just realised that most of my week is, well, was spent based on irrationality. I went and listened to classes because I paid for them, and therefore should go. However, what I paid was a sunk cost! I am basically paying for my degree. There are no consequences to not turning up to class. There are, however, consequences to not turning up to tutorials, so I better go to those. 

I can't believe I've been so stupid. I should allocate my time the best I can, not on going to class and pretending to pay attention based on some stupid sunk costs.

I love economics.